Girlfriend Angry

My girlfriend is extremely angry with me because I played a practical joke on her last night (see Nidhis Blog)Of course, she pretended to forgive last night just so she could evade my frantic pleas not to extract retribution from me in the future...but I suspect trouble is brewing when I go to meet her in Bangalore tonight. She is expecting many gifts to forgive and forget, but poor man that I am..I can only afford the free rose they give you on arrival at the airport. It usually has a coupon offering a free toy from a nearby store...hmmm..this is leading somewhere...

All this reminds me of this product we were supposed to launch called "Girlfriend Angry". Basically a text messaging product where boyfriends with irate girlfriends could send messages and recieve advice on how to soothe their girlfriends tempers. The application flows went something like this:

Boyfriend: Girlfriend angry
System: buy flowers
Boyfriend: Girlfriend still angry
System: Compose poem for her. Eg. Roses are red, violets are blue, forgive me so we can have sex again.
Boyfriend: Girlfriend very very angry
System: Find another girlfriend

Interesting application but unfortunately it never got enough supporters so we had to scrap development. It woulda come in handy now!!

A Weighty Sexual Issue

After carefully observing millions of women and men over a 30 year period beginning in 1973, I have come to the startling conclusion that men are obsessed by sex, and women by weight.

This strange discovery (which I am sure you all never noticed Hah! and for which I will recieve the Nobel Prize) means that you can tell a woman once that she looks a little fat and then she will go absolutely ballistic about it for aaaages and aaages and keep asking everyone - do I look fat? Do I look fat? Do I look fat in this? I feel fat. Do I look fat?

Tell a man that he is crap in bed and he will go on saying the following - "was it good for you honey? Well, how was it for you? Good eh? Wasnt that great? Most amazing sex ever eh?"

And then roll over and go to sleep instantly.

There has to be some way of cross polinating the genes so that everytime a woman asks "do I look fat?" she rolls over and falls asleep instantly.

This will solve the following problems:

1. Answering that God forsaken question
2. Precluding any more questions of type above

Give me the Nobel Prize now and nobody gets hurt

Deja Vu

These days, all I have been feeling is deja vu. No..not like the deja vu that Neo felt in the Matrix where he sees the black cat go by him some 4 times..but a feeling that everything that has to be experienced has been experienced and now all of life is just like the rerun of a TV series that you never really liked much in the first place but were now forced to watch again because there is nothing else on TV.

Somewhat irritating if you know what I mean. I get this feeling that I need to be more interested in my life, my work, my family, etc. but just cant be arsed. Its like..a rut..which I need to get out of soon. But to do what? It just seems like all worthwhile goals are nowhere near attaining (eg. Total World Domination or $1 million in the bank) or are not really worth attaining (what to do with the world then? What - pay $300k in taxes? are you nuts!!).

Something must be done..but what..just cant be arsed to think about it!!

Amores Perros: Cinephiles Movie Review

Amores Perros: Cinephiles Movie Review
Saw this brilliant Spanish movie over the weekend. No subtitles but so well made still enjoyed it a lot. See it if you ever get the chance..

Random Review Quote:
"Next to this magnificent work full of horror, pathos and, finally, tragic redemption, most American films, with their smirking, their killing, their fucking, all of it imaginary and without consequences, are no better than a 12-year-old's masturbation fantasies."

The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity

The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity

Tata Young

This song keeps running through my head by Tata Young. She sounds exactly like vintage Britney Spears. But the cool thing is that she is named after an Indian company called *duh* TATA (which I work for). Apparently she is from Thailand but her dad spent some time in India and noticed that there were TATA products everywhere...so voila, when the girl was born, she was named Tata.

And all along I thought it was because she had err...y'know..large ta-ta's.

Review!

Sitting around on a Saturday waiting for the president of the company to call my team in for a review. Its kinda like waiting outside the doctors office. You get an appointment, you go on time, then you wait for 3 hours..then he calls for you and you go inside and scream in pain and embarrassment for 20 mins then you walk out feeling relieved.

Monday is election day. We have been duly allowed to come late to work or leave early from work to go cast our vote. I plan on coming late to work cos once you reach work there is no way you ever get to leave early. Something or the other will keep coming up and then it gets to be 8pm and you wonder where the day went and yet feel curiously irritated that nothing important got done that day.

Nidhi's Mail!

Wrote to Nidhi asking her to go rafting, skydiving and scuba diving with me. So heres her reply!!

You are so adventurous baby. I dont think I could ever try sky-diving. Thats just not in me I think. Besides, I have seen too many of those disaster videos with people hurtling down as their parachutes dont open until the last minute. Scary dude... rafting is probably about as adventurous as I will get. But I would love to go holidaying with you and maybe get myself to try some of these things. Scuba diving sounds like fun... although I have a fear of the underwater, not sure why... When I read all that I have written, I feel like you may dump me after this, so now read it again with only the highlighted bits.

Elevator Crashes

Huge debate at lunch today about how to save your life in case you are in an elevator crashing towards the ground. So the question was:

If you are in an elevator and it starts falling (the brakes fail or whatever), then can you save yourself from dying by jumping up at the exact moment the elevator hits the ground?

Or what if you hung onto something..like a rail on the roof..would that break your fall enough to save your life?

If yes, why
If no, why

Photographing emotions

This weekend was spent cuddling with the gf in Bangalore. Aah..bliss! I wish there was some way to photograph moments (NO, not with the camera)..I mean take a snapshot of the entire event complete with emotions, sounds, sensory feelings. Some device which stores the whole memory and then when you replay it..you can actually feel all the sensations of that moment.

Wonder what that would mean for society tho..you could store hours of your best moments in sex, love, food, scenery etc..maybe swap memories..

I think people would never leave their houses!

Green / Red Diamond Thingy..

Oh yeah..you see the little green / red diamond thingy in my sidebar? Well, that will open up a chat window if I am online. Then we can chat..get to hear my tasteless comments in real-time hehe..

Go on..click on it..you know you want to

Retraction..

Ok ok..yesterdays post was a bit tasteless so I am going to retract the statement about God.

But I did notice that the bus driver on my trip to Bombay had a face exactly like Kevin Bacon..hmmm...

Shortage of faces in the world

This morning, as the hotel driver was dropping me to work, I noticed that his face looks exactly like the wife of a friend of mine. This and other such sightings lead me to conclude that there is a shortage of faces in the world and God or whoever is responsible for these things is too lazy to make entirely new ones and just keeps tweaking the old ones.

I can well imagine his thoughts....having made the wifes face he probably figured...put some hair here..a coupla wrinkles and we could paste the same thing on some hotel driver in Nasik!!

In my opinion God smokes dope all day long and watches TV...which leaves him precious little time or inclination for getting all the details exactly right.

However, since Creation is gratis, you can hardly expect a customer service number to call up and complain. Bummer!

Geez..I must be bored out of my skull to be writing this crap. Yes..I am..and the voices in my head wont be quiet..Shut up Geoffrey! Im trying to type out here!

Road Trip!!

Aaah! Finally access to the net! Have been going from one godforsaken location in Maharashtra to the other testing out the product I just launched. So anyways, am now in the pilgrimage town of Nashik and till yesterday was in the swelteringly hot and dusty town of Aurangabad.

Anyways, Nasik is close to Shirdi..the abode of Sai Baba..so everything out here is named with his name. I am staying..coincidentally at the Sai Palace Hotel, and yesterday I came via Sai Highway, and we had to stop outside Sai Shraddha Restaurant to get directions and...oh..you get it?

My hotel in Aurangabad was so bad...that guests prefer living on the streets rather than in the beds. Ok..maybe and exaggeration (did I spell that right?). But here is the description:

1. Reached there and the receptionist didnt know if I had a reservation. Had to show him a printed copy of the thing and then he reluctantly believed me..gave me a dirty look as he gave me the keys as if to say "damn! Another one sneaked in!"

2. When I reached the room the bellboy knocked on the door and a cockroach opened the door and let me in.

3. I was sitting on a stool in front of my computer (thats right..there were no chairs..apparently the cockroach needed them for his dinner party) when the top of the stool came off and I found myself sitting on the floor with a bruised tailbone. I jammed the top back on and sat down and fell down again. I cant sit anymore.

4. I ordered roast chicken for dinner and the chicken came raw. So I sent it back. This time, the outside came blackened but the inside miraculously remained nice and raw! Wonderful!! Oh yeah..and the room service waiter had flies buzzing around his head.

5. The TV remote had evidently seen better days - it was taped together with masking tape. But it worked..so I suppose thats ok..

Hmm..I am beginning to think someone in my company wants me dead.

The Looong Weekend!!

Finally we get a long weekend and its going to be lazefest for me! I had so many plans but all of them fell over at the last minute due to my usual last minute planning style. Was going to Goa to sun with the girlfriend, but we couldnt get tickets. Then was going to Rishikesh with mum to some ashram, but she cancelled at the last minute cos no tickets. Then was supposed to go to Lonavla with friends but then my sis needs moral support at home cos her exams are coming up.

So looks like it will be a stay at home, laze in front of TV in boxer shorts (um..the Donald Duck ones) and eat fast food. Once in a while I will sneak up on sis while she is studying and ask her loudly whether she is studying hard or not. Thus fortified with adrenalin she will study harder. The resultant white hairs will give her that distinguished look so many women crave for.

Firewall!

My company has a new firewall that makes it virtually impossible to look at naughty web pages. Unfortunately, the darn thing is paranoid so even inoffensive pages have been blocked off and I cant do my normal office "research" into downloadable movies and music anymore.

Well at least its not as bad as my buddy Abs in the US. His company has a filter for his email so if you call him a twat in an email it doesnt get delivered to him. However, he can send out all the insult laden emails he wants. The end result - an unequal match where he insults me merrily and I have to retort in Hindi to ensure my repartees reach him

Boob Out Janet Jackson Breast Shot on White American Apparel Girl Shirts

Wardrobe Malfunction t-shirt! Shock your friends! Bewilder your enemies!!

Back to Work

Monday suuuuuucks!!

Esp when you get a saturday off only once in a while and you really enjoy the weekend and then come back to work...auuuuagh!!

I am feeling so lazy I am using one hand to force the other hand to do any work.

I am also feeling so relaxed I mistakenly asked the office delivery boy to get me a strawberry daiquiri.

I also called a couple of friends over to my cubicle to watch a movie and have a beer.

Oh craaaaap...this is getting me nowhere..

Cant extend my weekend into office hours..craaaaaaaaap!!! Yaaaawn!