ELP Testimonials..

You may have read the testimonial and glowing review of ELP in the comment below from a totally anonymous and unbiased source. But that isnt the only one. Millions of letters and emails have been pouring in ever since I published my revolutionary new ELP theory. They are testaments to the effectiveness and pace at which ELP is being adopted not just by early adopters and fast followers but by the common man himself!

Here are just a few:

"Word up man! Eva since I got my hoes to start usin ELP my bidness has grown tenfold! Nowadays when I ask dem biatches "whos your daddy?" the answer is always "Dr F. Variava!" Dem women is lookin finer than ever and de customers dont complain no more! I highly recomment this method to all ma fellow gangstas under da hood and da trunk. F to da G to da Z, Docta V is da P. I. M. P!"
- G Daddy, Noo Yawk

"Dr. Variava, my days as a desperate housewife are over! Since ELP came into my life, my husband has taken a renewed interest in me. Nowadays, instead of reading his newspaper across the table at dinner, he eagerly awaits the scraps of food leftover on my plate and wolfs them down with a smile in my direction. Finally some attention!"
- Candice Maven, Shrocks Amish Farm, OH

The ELP Theory

What is the ELP Theory? Something that might win me the Nobel Prize for helping humanity. Its the single greatest breakthrough to emerge from the desk of Dr. Prof. F.S Variava M.D., C.D.S.G, S&M, L.L.B, BCom, M.B.A.

So anyways, without beating around the bush or heaping praise upon myself (ah the modesty!)..lets get down to the subject. Its a bit long winded, so brace yourselves. But at the end, you will feel rewarded and happy to have associated yourself with a future Nobel Prize winner..

Consider this: Since childhood, your parents, and indeed society, have drilled into your head that you HAVE to eat all the food on your plate. That Rite Aid organization made you feel so bad that there were millions of people starving in Ethiopia and therefore, not finishing the food on your plate meant that they would be even more deprived (this is akin to George B saying that 9/11 was the work of Saddam Hussein so they could invade Iraq). You were told that wasting food was a sin (hey, I thought gluttony was a sin. Apparently you were made to choose the lesser sin of gluttony).

Not much sense eh? But yet, you feel guilty, even forced to eat every bit of food on your plate. The end result? You just get fatter, more unhealthy, and have an uncomfortable feeling that later translates into farty noises and discomfort for your neighbors. In short, your childhood habits are the cause of much trouble in the world.

Now, medical research conducted on shows that eating ALL the food on your plate does not help the people in Ethiopia (dont ask why, just take it as a matter of faith). In fact, your body doesnt NEED all that food. It only needs a couple of handfuls of food to stay alive and healthy. What then happens to the rest of the food? Well, after extracting ALL the fat from it and storing it around your ass and middle, the food becomes (how do I put this mildly?)..it becomes potty.

Thus, the theory of ELP (Extra Lump of Potty). The extra food just becomes an extra lump for you to fling out the next morning or next hour or next night (stop splitting hairs goddamit!). And the fat and wobbles remain yours to keep as a souvenir of your greediness.

I know many of you enjoy your food, indeed, subconsciously you cannot throw any food away. But if you follow the ELP theory, you SHOULD waste it. Eat as much as your body needs, and just junk the rest. Dont feel guilty about it. Feel good about it. You will have saved a few minutes in the morning (evening, next hour, whatever). And you wont have a fat ass like you do now..or even that big tummy that so proudly wobbles when you take off your shirt at the pub in a fit of drunken enthusiasm.

Start to condition yourself to mentally dividing up each plate of food into the portion that you can eat confortably, and the portion that you will junk or have packed up for another meal. If there is a bit of food left after you are full, dont feel you have to scrape it up and eat it..just chuck it into the bin. If it helps, when chucking things into the bin imagine that someone inside it is packing up the food and sending it to third world countries..where it will be enthusiastically recieved and your name written on a plaque. Or just imagine how uncomfortable and fat you will feel after that extra bite (that somehow works better for me).

In fact, the ELP theory will help you to:
1. Get laid more often (cos you will be fitter yeah?).
2. Not annoy your neighbors with unsightly smells and noises.
3. Save precious time during that 'special activity' (you know when).
4. Make more room for more important things like alcohol and chocolate.
5. Save money by making one meal stretch to two.
6. Help the people in Ethiopia by leaving more food to be sent to them.
7. Enable you to take off your shirt without groans coming from others in your vicinity.
8. Save money on gym memberships and time on that device from hell the treadmill.
9. Save time playing sissy sports like rugby, football, squash, etc and give you more time to do macho things like reading books or watching TV and digging your nose.

Im sure many of you will think "this is so simple, why didnt I think of it first?" Or if you are more dishonest, you will think "I knew this stuff already! I must quickly write my own book!"

Well, bugger off the Nobel Prize is mine all mine! (picture me holding it and saying "My preciousssss").

I heard..

..that when any asian looking people get onto buses in London, other passengers are getting off. Is this true? If so, its quite sad.

In other news, I was watching the vigil for the victims. It suddenly struck me that no matter how many terrorist attacks we have in India, we never show the slightest sorrow or reaction apart from newspaper reports condemning the attacks. Life goes on as quickly as possible. The perpetrators are caught, and in about 20 years their case finally reaches the courts and they go scot free or get convicted depending on whether the evidence was lost or not in that time.

Its not that we are jaded or anything. Ok..maybe a little bit. But I think its more to do with the Asian reserve and aversion to public displays of emotion. We have still much to learn from the west. If even one life is lost over there, you find demonstrations, vigils, public outcries etc. Not that we dont have public outcries out here, but it has more to do with the rising cost of living than anything else.

Hmmm..

Those whom the gods want to destroy..

...they first make mad.

In the old days, before Alfred Noble invented high explosives, if you wanted to blow something up, you had to lug about 10 kegs of gunpowder to the site and then set a very long fuse and then hope the whole thing worked. These days, its as easy as buying a small block of semtex from your neighborhood arms dealer and setting a timer.

With the new ease of acquiring and using high explosives, the age where you could pick on someone smaller than you and get away with it is fast receding. After all, what can you do if every tom dick and Rahim can get back at you by planting bombs where and when you least expect them.

I wonder what the Indian freedom movement would have been like if we had resorted to random acts of violence? Would we have ever got freedom at all? Or would we have spent 50 years in bloodshed and counter-bloodshed? Would we be a sane country or one where, having got the taste of violence, resorted to revolutions and civil war at every opportunity to avenge old scores?

When you kill someone, a little bit of you dies. You go a little crazy. And then you cant stop killing people. Your whole life is spent in kill or be killed. Its one of the laws of the universe. Taking a step down that path means never turning back.

I feel sorry for our world. We have taken that step so many times...

Slapping ur own face to keep it red

According to well placed sources in my own household and office, the whole attack on Ayodhya seems to have been engineered by the VHP themselves to provide some publicity and an excuse to call for a nationwide strike. Of course, Bombay was exempted from this because the last time they tried a stunt like this someone filed a suit and they were fined for economic loss to the city of Bombay. Way to go suit filing dudes! Plus the VHP doesnt have any supporters in Bombay so they couldnt do diddly squat out here...

Anyhoo..to come back to the point, the VHP obviously felt they were in dire need of some publicity, so they sent in 6 of their best men dressed up as terrorists and had them shot to pieces (apparently the attackers stopped en route to pray at a temple. Uh..which good LeT terrorist would do that?). Then claimed it was the work of some terrorist organisation and in indignant tones claimed that the Government was responsible for allowing 2 acres of barren land to have been desecrated. This is indeed like slapping your own face to keep it red. Its a common tactic..do a percieved harm to yourself in the hope of getting sympathy. A pathetic cry for help from a fanatical organization trying to exist in a country which wants to be secular (as can be seen from the last election when the saffron BJP and their allies were swept from power and a much surprised Congress were installed in power. Apparently when asked to choose between corrupt leaders and fanatical trash, the people chose the lesser of the two evils).

The real desecration happened many years back when those fanatical VHP guys themselves invaded Ayodhya and caused a mess.

We beg the VHP to not take the effort of slapping their own faces. We are all ready to do it for them. Slap slap slap x 10,0000.

Bumbling Terrorists

Yesterday 6 terrorists tried to attack Ayodhya. No disrespect to the dead, but they were without doubt, the most lousy, hopeless, and bumbling bunch of fanatics it has been my lot to see the dead bodies of on TV (ok..not the bodies per se..but cartoon figures representing them).

They used a jeep to blow a hole in the fence...no one seems to have thought of climbing it (come on guys, even Salman Khan could have climbed it in his Rupa Banian). And then, they sort of blundered about looking for something to blow up. Which there wasnt because as we all know, all the destruction and demolition took place already some years back in a very professional fashion by Kar Sevaks led by Advani. So they pottered around in about 2 acres of empty land (with bits of rubble for variety) until someone put them out of their misery and shot them.

The bad thing about being a terrorist of course, is that you get killed, thus decreasing the gene pool which leads to ever stupider terrorists being left behind. You can see these guys were pretty dumb, because not one reputed terrorist organisation has stepped forward to take the credit for this fiasco.

I say, if you want to do a really good job of it you should hire either Advani or Narendra Modi. They will show ya a thing or two about killing people and demolishing Mosques without incurring any legal repercussions.

How could I forget?

All the Fair & Lovely Ads.

All the friggin commercials that show women with dark skin somehow transformed into raving beauties by the application of these crappy creams. Oh... my.... gawd. How can any manufacturer even produce these products and then have the gall to advertise them on TV?

How can you live with making millions of dark skinned women feel bad about themselves. How can you even bear to lie to them and tell them they can miraculously change their skin colour? How can you give them the illusion that they can blame the problems in their lives on their skin colour. How how?

Someone should line up every employee in that company and slap them. Slap slap slap slap x 500.

Pet Peeves of Motorists

Oh ok..since I am on a rant today I might as well rant about driving in Bombay...and my top 10 peeves while driving about the city.

1. Taxis
2. 2 wheelers
3. Taxis
4. 3 wheelers
5. Pedestrians
6. Taxis
7. BEST Buses
8. Tempos
9. Taxis
10. Other car drivers

Ads of Today

Some truly awful ads have been appearing on the TV these days. WTF were those guys thinking? Did they never run these ads by their friends and ask them what they think before airing them? Argh! Watching them makes me want to catch the makers of the ads, tie them to a chair and make them watch endless reruns of Son of the Mask (suckiest movie of the century). So, without further ado, heres the run down of crappiest ads on TV:

1. Visa ad with Richard Gere: In the beginning toh you cant even understand what the fat mustached guy is saying because he mumbles so badly. After the 67th time I understood he was saying that setting birds free brings luck. And whats with the girl trying to set pigeons free for Richard Gere? This gora fixation is beyond me. Someone should slap her and inform her that shes too young to be lusting after a man old enough to be her grandfather. And no, little girl, you cant get a green card.

2. Yamaha motorcycle ad with John Abraham: Speak up I cant hear you! After the 85th time I finally got it that boohoo..little Johns brother wouldnt allow him to ride his bike so he decided to get one of his own. Well, little John..thats because your brother was wise enough to understand that a brainless nitwit like you shouldnt be set free on the roads. And then of course, they show the guy riding a really cool big imported Yamaha around a race track (safest place for little John)..cut to the last scene and hes endorsing some piddly little 100cc bike that is used by children in other parts of the world. Helloooo! Isnt there some disconnect here?

3. Smokin Joes Pizza Ads: the part that annoys me the most is the jingle. Argh! Smokin Joes Pizza Yum Yum Yum Yum. Which neighborhood karoake bar did they get that from? What imagination! What melody! What waste of my TV speakers!

4. Rupa Banian Ad featuring Salman Khan: Oh god..thank gawd they dont show this ad on TV anymore. I used to fall off my chair laughing everytime I saw it. Basically, Sallu rushes to the rescue of a puppy stranded at the top of a waterfall. Wrong on so many levels..First of all, Sallu dear is more used to killing things than rescuing them (pedestrians, blackbuck, Aishwarya Rai etc.) Anyways, our He-man climbs a rock cliff (about 4 feet high) in his prominently labeled Rupa banian, gets drenched so we can see his back muscles. Then, miraculously, he and the puppy are both stone dry and back on solid ground. Errr...did I mention Rupa sounds like a banian worn by cross dressers? But still, full marks to Sallu for not killing anyone or beating up the puppys owners or launching into a diatribe about Vivek Oberoi..

More on this later..Im feeling sick from thinking about these ads..