The ELP Theory

What is the ELP Theory? Something that might win me the Nobel Prize for helping humanity. Its the single greatest breakthrough to emerge from the desk of Dr. Prof. F.S Variava M.D., C.D.S.G, S&M, L.L.B, BCom, M.B.A.

So anyways, without beating around the bush or heaping praise upon myself (ah the modesty!)..lets get down to the subject. Its a bit long winded, so brace yourselves. But at the end, you will feel rewarded and happy to have associated yourself with a future Nobel Prize winner..

Consider this: Since childhood, your parents, and indeed society, have drilled into your head that you HAVE to eat all the food on your plate. That Rite Aid organization made you feel so bad that there were millions of people starving in Ethiopia and therefore, not finishing the food on your plate meant that they would be even more deprived (this is akin to George B saying that 9/11 was the work of Saddam Hussein so they could invade Iraq). You were told that wasting food was a sin (hey, I thought gluttony was a sin. Apparently you were made to choose the lesser sin of gluttony).

Not much sense eh? But yet, you feel guilty, even forced to eat every bit of food on your plate. The end result? You just get fatter, more unhealthy, and have an uncomfortable feeling that later translates into farty noises and discomfort for your neighbors. In short, your childhood habits are the cause of much trouble in the world.

Now, medical research conducted on shows that eating ALL the food on your plate does not help the people in Ethiopia (dont ask why, just take it as a matter of faith). In fact, your body doesnt NEED all that food. It only needs a couple of handfuls of food to stay alive and healthy. What then happens to the rest of the food? Well, after extracting ALL the fat from it and storing it around your ass and middle, the food becomes (how do I put this mildly?)..it becomes potty.

Thus, the theory of ELP (Extra Lump of Potty). The extra food just becomes an extra lump for you to fling out the next morning or next hour or next night (stop splitting hairs goddamit!). And the fat and wobbles remain yours to keep as a souvenir of your greediness.

I know many of you enjoy your food, indeed, subconsciously you cannot throw any food away. But if you follow the ELP theory, you SHOULD waste it. Eat as much as your body needs, and just junk the rest. Dont feel guilty about it. Feel good about it. You will have saved a few minutes in the morning (evening, next hour, whatever). And you wont have a fat ass like you do now..or even that big tummy that so proudly wobbles when you take off your shirt at the pub in a fit of drunken enthusiasm.

Start to condition yourself to mentally dividing up each plate of food into the portion that you can eat confortably, and the portion that you will junk or have packed up for another meal. If there is a bit of food left after you are full, dont feel you have to scrape it up and eat it..just chuck it into the bin. If it helps, when chucking things into the bin imagine that someone inside it is packing up the food and sending it to third world countries..where it will be enthusiastically recieved and your name written on a plaque. Or just imagine how uncomfortable and fat you will feel after that extra bite (that somehow works better for me).

In fact, the ELP theory will help you to:
1. Get laid more often (cos you will be fitter yeah?).
2. Not annoy your neighbors with unsightly smells and noises.
3. Save precious time during that 'special activity' (you know when).
4. Make more room for more important things like alcohol and chocolate.
5. Save money by making one meal stretch to two.
6. Help the people in Ethiopia by leaving more food to be sent to them.
7. Enable you to take off your shirt without groans coming from others in your vicinity.
8. Save money on gym memberships and time on that device from hell the treadmill.
9. Save time playing sissy sports like rugby, football, squash, etc and give you more time to do macho things like reading books or watching TV and digging your nose.

Im sure many of you will think "this is so simple, why didnt I think of it first?" Or if you are more dishonest, you will think "I knew this stuff already! I must quickly write my own book!"

Well, bugger off the Nobel Prize is mine all mine! (picture me holding it and saying "My preciousssss").