wife

wife
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What are you thinking?

“What are you thinking?” It’s the one question that strikes terror into the hearts of brave men and cowards alike. Rather than jump out the window or stuff yourself into the microwave, why not try out one of these handy, pre-fabricated replies?

The philosopher. “By ‘thinking,’ do you mean the semi-ordered pattern of electrochemical impulses cascading through my brain at this very instant? If so, you bring up an interesting aspect of the mind/body problem, viz., the instantiation of sentient thought as it pertains to the perceived historical schism between free will and determinism, which I’d be delighted to discuss with you at length rather than having a nice dinner and seeing Alien vs. Predator. Hey… where are you going?”

The diplomat. “It’s funny you should ask that. I was just thinking what a perfect day it is, and how lucky I am to be here with you, and how my entire life was just a pointless charade until the blessed day we met. By the way, your hair looks incredible.”

The PBS commentator. “I was just thinking what a terrible mistake it would be to repeal the NAFTA protocols pertaining to manufactured-goods tariffs. I know I’ve been a bit distant lately, but I’ve been turning the issue over and over in my mind, and I just can’t see how we can maintain our balance of trade and at the same time be attentive to the financial needs of our Latin American allies. Tell you what! You get a notepad, and I’ll get a notepad, and we can divide the pros and cons between us and try to sort this whole mess out. Hey, where are you going?”

The hard-of-hearing. “What am I drinking? Just the usual, peppermint schnapps mixed with Yoo-Hoo and a jigger of scotch. Hey, where are you going?”

The girlie-man. “Well, since you asked, I’ve been feeling very vulnerable lately. There’s all this pressure at work, and that situation with my boss hasn’t gotten any better, and this group of little kids looked at me all funny on the bus this morning. Nobody ever pays attention to my feelings. Aren’t I a human being, too? Aren’t there times when I feel like laughing or crying or just running through a flowery meadow flapping my arms and singing with the birds? I could really use a hug right now.”

The pretending-to-be-asleep. “zzz…frarp…snuzzz…”

The downer (only for the suicidal). (Heaves a long, dolorous sigh.) “Well, since you asked, I’m going to tell you. It seems like you’ve been putting on a little weight lately. Not that you’ve ever been really thin, but come on! Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? Your behind, I mean, not your front, your front is pretty OK. Now your friend Charlene, she’s someone who really knows how to stay in shape. You can bounce a quarter off her. Don’t look at me that way! You’re the one who asked the question. Hey, where did you get that gun?”

*Plagiarised from MSN*

A Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who will call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
I pray this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead. Amen.

Guilt - From Lord of Light by Roger Zelazny

A man is a thing of many divisions, not a pure, clear flame such as you once were. His intellect often wars with his emotions, his will with his desires . . . his ideals are at odds with his environment, and if he follows them, he knows keenly the loss of that which was old-- but if he does not follow them, he feels the pain of having forsaken a new and noble dream. Whatever he does represents both a gain and a loss, an arrival and a departure. Always he mourns that which is gone and fears some part of that which is new. Reason opposes tradition. Emotions oppose the restrictions his fellow men lay upon him. Always, from the friction of these
things, there arises the thing you called the curse of man and mocked--guilt!

I Quit!

Yes! Yes! I have finally taken the plunge, and quit my job. Told the head of my department on Monday. Of course, everyone else knew about it for a few weeks before, but he only got to know on Monday. Poor chap..same day his secretary left him too. So now I have to serve a months notice and then I am FREE! Well, actually we all live in police controlled states so none of us are FREE free but I shall be free to join up the family business and then..who knows?

My HR manager, God bless her soul has sat me down and tried to make me cry. She was a psychotherapist in her last life I have come to the conclusion. Our conversation went something like this..

Me: I'm leaving!! Yay!
She: Well, how sad you must be feeling. But its ok..lots of people feel sad when they leave this company. Go ahead and cry if you want to (ok ok..she didnt say that last bit but she was thinking it)
Me: Yay! I mean, *sob!*
She: There there..dont worry, it will all be alright

Hilarious Personals Ad

A tall well-built woman with good
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Hah! Now that reads properly!

Bjork

Have come to the conclusion that one cannot listen to Bjork in the office. The woman has a frightening propensity to scream suddenly thus causing noises of shattering glass in every single neighboring cubicle.

Purpose in Life

As you all probably know, the only thing that possibly gives me more entertainment than playing video games or plotting to take over the world..is my ongoing query about the meaning of life.

Many many new age books assure me that I am special, gifted, have to find my inner goddess (I think), and that each of us has a mission in life..some special purpose for which we were put on this earth. So far so good...

But what keeps me awake at night and screaming for my mum is the thought that my real purpose in life might be something really pathetic. Like..maybe theres this worm thats almost gonna die of starvation and then I get hit by a dumpster and then they bury me and the worm gets to survive and have children. Stuff like that...important in the universal scope of things Im sure..after all, worms are probably as important as humans...but somehow unfulfilling.

Hmm hmm..well, now that I have pondered that one I shall go back to playing a computer game. At least I can win there once I crush my puny Egyptian neighbors in Civilization III.

Doom

Went and saw Dhoom yesterday with Nidhi, Shweta, Rashi, and Rashi's hot roommate. Most entertaining movie..and the funny thing is, it shouldnt have been. After all, there was Abhishek Bacchan who cant act worth a zot, then some vampish and entirely too made up lead women, and John Abraham whose sole claim to fame is that he is boofing Bipasha Basu. But Uday Chopra carried the whole film on his broad shoulders and of course, the bikes were really cool and the dialogue was snappy and the costumes were pretty decent and stuff. Ended up laughing a lot and of course, when the songs are on you can entertain yourself by picking your nose and flicking the boogers into the audience. The most hilarious thing in the movie was that everybody had these superbikes, but they would like drive them at 20 km/h even when running from the cops! But I guess that was cos they were pimpin to look good and didnt want to muss up their hair.

Go see it if its playing in a country near you..

The Below Comment

Was not written under any pressure, duress, or coercion by said girlfriend. Written entirely of free will..

Nidhi in Bombay

She is in Bombay nowwww!! How coooooool!! Now we hang out everyday! This is the coolest thing since vanilla icecream was invented!!