What are you thinking?

“What are you thinking?” It’s the one question that strikes terror into the hearts of brave men and cowards alike. Rather than jump out the window or stuff yourself into the microwave, why not try out one of these handy, pre-fabricated replies?

The philosopher. “By ‘thinking,’ do you mean the semi-ordered pattern of electrochemical impulses cascading through my brain at this very instant? If so, you bring up an interesting aspect of the mind/body problem, viz., the instantiation of sentient thought as it pertains to the perceived historical schism between free will and determinism, which I’d be delighted to discuss with you at length rather than having a nice dinner and seeing Alien vs. Predator. Hey… where are you going?”

The diplomat. “It’s funny you should ask that. I was just thinking what a perfect day it is, and how lucky I am to be here with you, and how my entire life was just a pointless charade until the blessed day we met. By the way, your hair looks incredible.”

The PBS commentator. “I was just thinking what a terrible mistake it would be to repeal the NAFTA protocols pertaining to manufactured-goods tariffs. I know I’ve been a bit distant lately, but I’ve been turning the issue over and over in my mind, and I just can’t see how we can maintain our balance of trade and at the same time be attentive to the financial needs of our Latin American allies. Tell you what! You get a notepad, and I’ll get a notepad, and we can divide the pros and cons between us and try to sort this whole mess out. Hey, where are you going?”

The hard-of-hearing. “What am I drinking? Just the usual, peppermint schnapps mixed with Yoo-Hoo and a jigger of scotch. Hey, where are you going?”

The girlie-man. “Well, since you asked, I’ve been feeling very vulnerable lately. There’s all this pressure at work, and that situation with my boss hasn’t gotten any better, and this group of little kids looked at me all funny on the bus this morning. Nobody ever pays attention to my feelings. Aren’t I a human being, too? Aren’t there times when I feel like laughing or crying or just running through a flowery meadow flapping my arms and singing with the birds? I could really use a hug right now.”

The pretending-to-be-asleep. “zzz…frarp…snuzzz…”

The downer (only for the suicidal). (Heaves a long, dolorous sigh.) “Well, since you asked, I’m going to tell you. It seems like you’ve been putting on a little weight lately. Not that you’ve ever been really thin, but come on! Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? Your behind, I mean, not your front, your front is pretty OK. Now your friend Charlene, she’s someone who really knows how to stay in shape. You can bounce a quarter off her. Don’t look at me that way! You’re the one who asked the question. Hey, where did you get that gun?”

*Plagiarised from MSN*