Afternoon siesta

Apparently when one needs to take an afternoon nap, any position is possible!

Question of the day

Where did the phrase "good clean fun" come from?

Why would anyone want to have "good clean fun" when the obvious alternative is "bad, dirty fun"?

Hands up all those who want to have some "good clean fun."


Bah! Boriiiiiiing!

Womens needs mens

Last night the wife asked me to open a bottle of prawn pickle. Grunted (mostly for show), opened it and handed it to her.

She asked "why is it that women can't open jars?"

Flashbacks - age 10 - my mom handing a bottle of jam for me to open
Age 10.5 - my aunt handing me a tin of bournvita to open.
Then the years rolled forward in a sort of blur with all the women I have ever known handing me some bottle, can, tin, jar, dabba etc. to open.

Always wondered why women needed men around the house, why they felt the need to marry us, to keep us close. Realised in a flash. Women need men because they open things. They can also be called from wherever they are sitting, to the site where the effort is required, thus saving valuable energy for the woman.

Think about it, women obviously don't need men for most things. They never have. We've just been a sort of gadget kept around the house, much like the food processor.

I mean, take my wife. When she needs to talk, she calls her best buddy Reshma. When she wants to go shopping, she calls up Disha. When she needs to get her tailoring done, she calls her mom. When she wants to party, she calls Devina. For cleaning, our lovely Bai. And so on and so fart. Apart from the occasional show of strength, where am I required?

Sure, women may need us around to fertilize the eggs occasionally, but that could be done by locking us up in some great big pen and then choosing - "Hmm..I think I'll take the blonde one with big biceps today. He may not look smart, but his offspring could open a helluva lot of bottles!"

So as I go to bed today, I get on my knees and pray:

"God, give men the strength to always open cans,
Let them do it with teeth and nail and han(d)s.
Keep the can and bottle opening devices at bay,
For this dear Lord, to you I pray.

Let men roam free and range where they will,
O'er land and water and discos and hills.
Take not away their liberty and smell,
To lock them up in sperm donor hell!

Lord, let men be always strong,
E'en though they be always wrong.
Part them not from women, I say,
This my fervent prayer, it is today!

Revelations Revealed Reverently

Hellooo devoted followers of the cult of Feedo!

I havent blogged in really long but what to do..the last few weeks have been SUCH a whirlwind (hand on forehead like Scarlett O'hara). But the time has not been wasted. No indeeed. The time has been spent receiving the most fabulous revelations. I feel like one of those medieval prophets about to launch his very own religion. When you hear these revelations, you will be shocked, astounded, and rush to fall at my feet but restrain yourselves. I only take devotion in the form of large amounts of cash.

So..without further ado, here are the startling discoveries I have made about this beautiful universe we live in. This gorgeous creation of the divine being. This..this..Oh gawd I have run out of objectives.

Revelation 1.1.001

Genetic programming and you..I mean me:
This startling discovery came to me one day as I was in the kitchen trying to rustle up a meal. Nidhi was late from work, and I thought I would surprise her with a lovely meal when she came home. With excitement, I entered the kitchen, put on my apron that says "Im the chef", put on the chefs cap, put on the gloves, and clanged a couple of pans around. Then, I realised that I couldnt cook. Not that I was physically restrained from doing so...just that those areas of my brain that were supposed to provide me cooking information were mysteriously drawing a blank. Total data redundancy error in that part of the ol'noggin. The pressure cooker and microwave were looking at me like I was some sort of idiot.

Mind you, I have cooked in the past - from my first attempt at burnt daal, to chicken in wine sauce, to boiled eggs..etc etc. But somehow, each time I cook I can never remember how I did it the last time. Nidhi however can cook like a pro. She masterfully whips up dish after dish, often with one hand while reading a book or spanking me with the other.

This leads me to suspect that men have been genetically programmed
with a deficiency in cooking skills. Women have been endowed with genes that enables them to cook. Thus, balancing the equation in the battle of the sexes.


Revelation 2.2.002

Man as the hunter:
In another quirk of nature, Nidhi can never find anything that is lost whereas I can track it down in a matter of seconds. I patiently wait for her to finish turning the house upside down, cough a few times as the dust settles and then dive in and hand it to her. This shows how man is the hunter, and woman is the gatherer of the things that he just hunted. In most modern marriages, man hunts down the money, and then during the divorce the woman gathers half of it along with the house and car..thus lending further credence to this astonishing revelation.

Revelation 3.3.003

Men are not the horndogs..women are!:
The other day, we were at a nightclub with Nidhi and three of her girlfriends. Yes, lucky man me I had 4 lovely women hanging around me and I was most happy to hog all the attention I could get. But alas, this was not to be.

For who should walk in but a couple of male models. These guys were pretty decent lookin'. Nothing like me of course, but not too bad. Haha..more excitement. Immediately all the single women in the group fell silent and started checking out these guys.

Foolish man that I was, I let slip that I may know these guys. Suddenly, I was the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. They all wanted to be introduced. Quite vocal they were about it too!

When I ended up speaking briefly to these models without managing to sneak the girls into the picture, the girls got quite miffed. I got my ear chewed off for not introducing them.
I was just meaning well! After all, I didnt want these poor innocent girls to get hurt emotionally in the future. But apparently they were quite keen on it. Ultimately, I had to pay the price for being such a nice guy. God, I never knew women could be so..so..determined.

This leads me to the revelation that its not the men who are horny and desperate..as we have been told all our life..but it is in fact the women who are so! Women are just better at the sort of PR that convinces the world that its the other way around. For centuries man has laboured under the illusion that he is an oversexed neanderthal who only thinks with his second brain and cares for nothing but meaningless rompy pompy. How many times have we been told we have a one track mind. This completely changes the way things really are do you see? Men of the world rejoice...for today you are freeeeeeee!!!(VAT and duties extra).