Indulge!!!

New blog!!

2011-08-19T19:08:00.002+05:30

hey guys, this blog was fun, while it lasted. We had some fun times, but now I blog at

www.deliriousdaddy.blogspot.com

Come visit me there!

Death of the White Revolver

2009-05-09T20:52:00.002+05:30

Yesterday, I was deep in thought. A fellow employee's behaviour was buggin me and I was thinking I should write him a mail telling him he was being a perfect ass for no reason at all. Nidhi highly recommended this course of action (supportive wife and all that she is). So I went to the study and fired up the old laptop we keep at home. It was taking a while to boot up, making all these arthritic sorts of sounds and looking like it wasnt in any hurry, so I read a book for a while (100 years of solitude) and then wandered off to the living room where I got entangled quite happily in feeding Kabir. He is such an adorable eater and provides endless entertainment while he ingests his food. Anyways, I put him on my lap and then started amusing him while Nidhi distractedly put food in his mouth (American Idol being on and all).

Suddenly, we heard this loud thud. Really loud thud like the sound the last burglar made after my bullet hit him between the eyes and he crashed to the ground. Just kidding. Anyways, loud noise and Sunanda rushed out from the kitchen on the suspicion that we had overfed Kabir, he was now 100 pounds, and had now been dropped to the ground because we could no longer carry him. Just kidding!!!!! Again!!!

Anyways, we all kinda looked at each other and were like..

Did you??

No!! Did you?!!!

No!! I thought you did!!

It was the trusty ol' ceiling fan. About a hundred years it had hung on the ceiling of the study. And finally, it decided it had enough and loosed from its anchor and thudded down to the floor. One blade broke off and went spinning off. Very dramatic finale for that household appliance I can tell you.

Which put me in mind..

If I had been sitting there in that study writing that mail...and that study isnt very big. Im not trying to be dramatic or anything, but y'know, its not much bigger than the blades of the fan. And the chair is right beneath the fan..and the fan goes fairly fast. But anyways, dont get scared. Nothing happened to me. I was luckily in the hall with Kabir!

So this made me think. Maybe there is some sort of law of Karma or something that governs our lives. I mean, people do have bad accidents at various points in their lives, but then again quite often as not, they avoid them and get saved. So maybe there is something out there that says..

"hmm..not this time. He seems to be progressing quite well, and doesnt need any time in h0spital to ruminate on how his life is going at this point." Something like that I think.

Though I cant shake the nagging feeling that maybe I should just move my laptop a littttttle further away from the fan Im sitting under right now!

How to Wake up Daddy..

2009-05-06T13:15:00.005+05:30

First of all, its very important to get moved from the crib to the bed. This can be accomplished in several ways, but the simplest is to either wake up numerous times during the night, prompting an exhausted parent to finally move you to the main bed, or else during the 5.30am feeding time after which said sleepy parent will put you next to them and then pat you to sleep.

After this important move is accomplished, it is very important to not sleep deeply yourself. Give the impression that you are snoozing, while actually you are laying in readiness to put your dastardly plan into action.

Sharp at 0645 hrs action should commence. First make small noises to test whether your victim is deeply asleep. If he doesn't react, then commence making louder noises while wiggling around from side to side. Add some leg movement. Don't be shy! Slowly scoot over to dad's side of the bed with your leg held out in front of you as a sort of probe. When your leg encounters his fleshy backside, start giving a couple of kicks. This will result in dad stirring slightly and trying to pat you back to sleep. Desist for a short while until he goes back to sleep himself, and then begin with even greater vigour. By now, he will be too far gone and try to get out of range. Don't let that happen! Get behind him and keep up the kicking. Alternate the kicking with pats, grabbing any clothing of his, clawing at his face. All the while keep saying "papa, paaaapaa, puppa, paapa."

After about 15mins of this, Dad will finally wake out of his stupor and roll over to give you a bleary kiss and a cuddle. That's when you know you have won! Oh what a lovely way to start the day!!

Note: These maneuvers must be executed when Mummy is not around. Otherwise, she will protect Daddy and prevent the full effect of kicks being felt!

Too Much Money, Honey!

2009-05-05T18:57:00.004+05:30

Im pissed off, upset, and scared. Im living in fear. And Im thanking my lucky stars that I dont live in the good ol' US of A right now.

Take a look at that graph. It represents the amount of money supply in the US economy since god knows when. Anybody can tell, the amount of money supply in the last year alone has been more than the cumulative amount in the last above mentioned god knows when amount of years!

And whats more, this huge amount of money has been doled out to very very very very bad people. People to whom giving money is like giving bottles of whiskey and the keys to your car. Guaranteed to cause a big crash and a massive headache after that.

After the recent massive crash, you would think the little people would get a break. After all, many lost their homes, their jobs, their cars, and god knows what else. These are the people who if at all, deserve a handout and some cash to get back on their feet. So, if all those trillions were distributed to the people in the form of cheques in their mailbox with an apology letter from the Fed, it would be justice done at last.

Instead, those trillions of dollars have been put into the banking system. Of course, we all know what the banks are going to do with it. Nothing. For now.

Thats because they are all scared of what just happened a year back. But give them another 6 months, nay, another 6 days, and their marvellously short memories will erase all the bad thoughts and figure that hey, I have all this money just sitting here, why dont I spend it? And spend they will. With a vengeance. More than they did the last time around. They will give every tom dick harry susan anthony money, they will buy up all the assets they can lay their hands on, they will give to every charity, they will.....they will just give and give and give. And we will have a massive party. Stocks will soar, salaries will rise, home prices will shoot up, we will buy cars, planes, boats, bazookas, whatever...until finally someone figures out that shit..all this money isnt really worth anything, because prices are rising real fast. So they will spend faster and faster.

Soon, you will be grabbing your salary at the end of the day, and then running down to the store to buy whatever you can afford. And then comes the point where a loaf of bread is pretty much all you can get for like..$3000 or whatever.

Its happened before..so dont smirk. See this link here..the list is almost every known country.

So Im telling all everyone who reads this, which is probably just my wife and maybe some random guy who landed on my page from Google, that put all your money into hard assets. Buy gold, buy property, buy anything that has a lasting value.

And then sit tight and wait for the tsunami of money to hit. You will be king with your real assets. Hell, once you flash your gold plated teeth, the grocer may even let you cut to the front of the line to buy your loaf of bread.

Kabir eating breakfast..

2008-10-08T16:10:00.001+05:30

Heres Kabir eating his breakfast and grinning away like a roscol.

Looking For Steve!

2008-06-29T23:30:00.002+05:30

Hey guys, Im looking for my room-mate from William & Mary. His name is Steve Newton, and I need to get in touch with him.
Steve, if you can hear me, give me a sign!!

Another Rant

2008-01-10T14:07:00.000+05:30

Coming close on the heels of my blog on the suckiness of Dell, I am proud to inform you that I have more stuff to rant about. Namely, the ass sucking pathetic suckiness of Hewlett Packard Printers and Windows Vista.

My dad (yes he features again), seems to have become a sort of magnet for gadgets that don't work. After his crappy experience with the Dell (which I have now persuaded him to offload onto me), he went and bought himself a brand new spankin' laptop with Windows Vista loaded. So far so good? Next thing you know, he's calling me three times a day asking me how to get his HP laserjet printer to work with Vista. I was like.."uh dad..just go to HP and download the driver and bada bee bada boom its gonna work." Silence for a day or so until he calls me over to his office 'cos he cant figure out how to do it. So anyways, feeling smug 'cos I can show my dad what a whiz I am at computers, I go to HP, download the drivers from the site (clicking on the link that says "Vista Drivers"), wait for like 20 minutes until the whole thing downloads and then start the installation. And it fails. Download some more drivers from another part of HP website. Try to install. Fail. Go to a website set up by HP called "Vista Beta Drivers" or some such numbnut crap..download more drivers. Fail. After about 1 day and 3 hours of this I give up and tell my dad the problem is beyond me..maybe the guys at his friendly neighborhood computer shop can help him. He goes there, tells them about it and they quietly inform him that NOT A SINGLE HP PRINTER SUPPORTS VISTA!!!!!! Fuckin A!! Except for some really high end ones apparently. HP has refused to update their drivers to support Vista and unless you wanna spend gazillions of rupees you cant even buy a new Vista compatible printer!! Now my dad is stuck with a sweet little laserjet printer which wont work on his equally sweet though Vista running laptop.

On the other hand, my mom's hand me down Canon IP90 printer has all the drivers for Vista available. Although it must be noted that after she fiddled around with Vista on her notebook for about a week, she loudly demanded that it be removed immediately and XP loaded back on. Wise woman she is.

Moral of the story - Dont buy HP printers. First of all, their products although nicely priced, come loaded with bloated software that hogs hard disk and memory space. To get my last HP printer working, I had to install 500MB worth of software, then uninstall 495MB of the software to keep just the relevant drivers, and then disable other crap from loading when Windows started up. And second of all, they dont support Vista after a year of it being out!

My next bit of ire is aimed at Windows Vista. Not only is it not that much of a step up from XP, but it also constantly annoys you whenever you want to install or change anything on the system by asking for your permission. I mean..come on! If I clicked on the damn program, it means I wanna do it. Im not retarded. I didnt click on change network settings by mistake, so stop asking me for permission to load that module. Im sure the script kiddies have already figured out how to install their spyware and malware without the box popping up but for the actual user of the system, its like a beaurocratic hellhole. Next thing you know, they will be asking you to sign Form A in triplicate and fax it to Bill Gates before you get clearance to open a new Word Document.

Second moral of the story - stick with XP if you can, at least its a known devil! And it gets my mom's ringing endorsement! And for the sake of mankind, world peace, the environment, your loved ones, your pets, your car, (can I make this any more compelling?) DONT BUY AN HP PRINTER!

Tesla_Downunder

2007-12-12T14:03:00.000+05:30

One of the most interesting sites I have come across in a long time. This crazy Australian guy does all sorts of amazing stuff with tesla coils and some of it looks quite dangerous too!

Tesla_Downunder

DELL SUCKS!!!

2007-07-16T18:55:00.000+05:30

Just wanted to let the world know that DELL SUCKS!

Can you believe this? My dad bought a top of the line XPS computer..supposed to be the most expensive and with all the bells and whistles. Paid a bomb for it too. And ever since he got it, its been having problems. He brings it to me nearly every week to get something or the other fixed.

The worst part is, Dell doesnt have any service centers in India. And their tech support refuses to send anyone over. The best they can do is try to help you fix it over the phone! I mean...if I wanted a crap computer that I could fix myself, I woulda bought it myself from Lamington road right? I just got off the line with them for the 10th time. Some chinese guy informs me that since the problem "appears" to be software related (never mind that its related to some software that makes the hardware work)..he cant send anyone over to fix it.

His solution? Reformat the entire computer and install everything again and hope that it works! Reformat his ass..thats what I feel like doing!

So to anyone that will listen..Dont buy Dell!!

Chaaaaina

2007-05-03T15:12:00.000+05:30

Just returned from what should become an annual pilgrimage to the holiest of holies - the Canton Fair held in Guangzhou. Have come back in stunned state and have begun to ramble incoherently to all and sundry about China.

I had heard a lot about the progress China was making in infrastructure, industry and all that. But bloody hell was I stunned, shocked and awed to see it with my own eyes. Super-duper roads, shiny new buildings, fancy shopping malls and of course, the trade fair in its gargantuan and all encompassing glory. Just walking around the fair and dealing with the Chinese made me realise these guys mean business - big business...nay, my fine feathered friend-huge business!

In an earlier blog, I was joking about how Indians will rule the world since we seem to export so much of our population to other countries. I changed my mind. Chinese are going to rule the world cos they export everything - not just people.

Of course, some will argue about the fact that cities like Guangzhou are just showpieces, that the rest of China aint so pretty yada yada. But look at India..we dont even have one single showpiece! We dont even have plans to make one. We have tatty roads, crumbling infrastructure, no power, no water. Though of course, we speak better Engrish, but thats only gonna keep the call center jobs here for a short while longer.

The main thing that impressed me was the Chinese work ethic. Workers put in 10 hour days, and work even on holidays. Compare that to our own work ethic where we hardly spend 4 hours a day being productive in most cases (or 20 minutes in my case) and have endless public holidays.

I know Im nervous about the coming Chinese world domination. But all I can say is...they really will have deserved every bit of it.

Commander in Chief

2007-03-14T12:50:00.000+05:30

Last night nothing much on TV so got conned into watching this TV show called "Commander In Chief". Basic plot - woman president of USA, good woman, has a wholesome family, loyal advisors, hard working and full of compassion and all that. She takes the hard decisions and feels bad when things go wrong.

Totally divorced from reality. Felt kinda sick that someone would actually make a show like that. So used to politicians being slimy, lazy, corrupt, with dysfunctional families, and no values whatsoever. What went through those producers heads? Did they get paid by George W and his cronies to paint a rosy picture of the White House? Or is there a worldwide fund by politicians promoting shows portraying leaders in a good light?

The Thin Yellow Line

2006-09-14T14:56:00.000+05:30

The other day I took a local train at rush hour. From Dadar station to Goregaon no less. Its like going into battle. Thats the only way I can describe it. From the moment you step into the station..you start feeling this could be it. The last day of your life (no pun on the bomb blast scenario). I mean it. Really.

For instance, there's complete chaos when you walk in. People milling around, running. There is urgency, tension in the air. A bombardment of noise fills your ears and you look around for cover.

You buy your ticket..patiently waiting in the long line. Almost like the line for the boot camp barber. The ticket sales guy humiliates you because you dont have change. Finally, with this little initiation ritual over you enter with trepidition into the station.

Soon, you figure out which train to take not by the cryptic signboards, but by asking other veterans. Most of them sneer at you when you timidly ask them which train goes to Goregaon. They dont want to get too friendly with the fresh meat. God knows if you'll even make it past today lily boy they seem to think. Finally, a grizzled veteran with a tired look in his eyes points you towards the right platform. Thanking him, you push and shove your way, jostle to the right platform.

There you are greeted by rank upon rank of fellow soldiers..each one anxiously awaiting his moment of glory. You look left and right. Smile with false bravado at the youngster next to you. Watch a veteran standing calmly, but knowing he is ready to spring to action at the right moment. You all wait like coiled springs behind the thin yellow line on the ground.

Suddenly you can feel the whole platoon go tense. The moment has arrived. The train is pulling into the station. With whoops and war cries, the guys on the platform assault the train doors to get in. At the same time, those trying to get out are also struggling valiantly. Like the ocean you surge forward and backward. Who will win? Finally, almost against your will you are crushed, mangled, and finally reach inside. But its not over yet. Packed like sardines, head to oily head, you stand defending every inch of space. Should you lift your foot, that space is gone. Stand on one foot for the remainder of the journey, novice! But fate favors you - a seat suddenly opens! Sighing with relief you push your bum into the space and wiggle it to make sure you can sit almost comfortably.

All too soon, its time to get off. This time, you have changed sides. After watching the veterans, you copy them - squishing yourself against the side of the door. When the train slows down the braver ones - the paratroopers make the jump onto the platform, running along with the train and skidding to a stop. Now its your turn - the ground troops. You push mightily, with cheers and exhortations from those who still remain on the train. With almost fanatical strength and certain knowledge that if you dont get off now, you will be carried to Borivali, you push your way out.

Your hair is askew, your shirt is smeared with the sweat of someone else, your pants are crumpled. But you made it to your destination in under 30 minutes.

Like all conquering heros you and your fellow train mates eagerly pillage the vada pav stalls along the side of the station before beginning the long march to the next conquest.

The Internet is a Series of Tubes

2006-07-14T16:45:00.000+05:30

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is hilarious as always!

Barbarians at the Gate

2006-07-14T14:01:00.000+05:30

Those of us brought up in Mumbai are used to being rained upon, rioted (is that a word?), traffic jammed, etc. But now we also have to contend with being bombed at regular intervals. Mumbai has long been hailed as the coolest city, the best city, the most advanced city, the most spirited city and so on and so forth (mostly right about the time that we have to suffer some unfortunate hardship). So then, if we are the best, most civilised city in the country, why do we have to suffer so much? Why does every terrorist yahoo from Kashmir to Kabul want to blow shit up over here only?

The answer lies in the pages of history. These people have appeared before, under different disguises..but its the same guys. Just check this out:

"The word barbarian generally refers to an uncivilized, uncultured person, either in a general reference to a member of a nation or ethnos perceived as having an inferior level of civilization, or in an individual reference to a brutal, cruel, insensitive person of behavior inacceptable in a civilized society...Barbarians are like children, unable to speak or reason properly, cowardly, effeminate, luxurious, cruel, unable to control their appetites and desires, politically unable to govern themselves." - Wikipedia

Every great civilisation throughout history has been plagued by barbarians. These guys have pillaged the Chinese, upset the English, and destroyed the Romans in times past. What attracts a barbarian or causes a man to become one?

The world is composed of opposites - light - dark, water - fire, etc. The barbarian is born out of the opposite of civilisation. The more civilised we try to become, the more barbarians we will face. Otherwise, how would any civilisation fall?

We give them a nice name nowadays - terrorists, freedom fighters, patriots etc. But the fact is, the purpose of the barbarian is to destroy the current system. Once his aim is accomplished, he joins the destroyed society once again and it begins the process of rebuilding. As we strive to reach the moon, develop faster computers, better refrigerators, and buy flat screen TVs, there is someone out there who will try to hold us back. For him, he holds our world in contempt. The soft, fragile existences we lead, the cocooned lives, the air conditioned cars, the soft couches, all these things and more he despises. For him, a life lived is one where the stronger enemy is defeated, through cunning means, his carefully laid defenses laid to waste and his soft underbelly exposed. Only then does the barbarian achieve his glory and can be called a man.

Appealing to him to stop, to spare our lives, to please not put our cities to the sword, are of no use. These only serve as his aphrodesiacs. The wailing of women and children, and the moans of dying men, these are what he enjoys.

Enjoy your civilised lives while you can.

The barbarian is knocking at the door, and he wants to throw your plasma TV out the window.

Its that time of year again

2006-06-29T14:55:00.000+05:30

One of my friends recently told me she read my blog and then went on to add as an afterthought "your chiclet blog". Nice name and highly appropriate. Have decided to rename the blog with immediate effect. That is, as immediate as possible. I mean, if this post took a couple of weeks to crank out, imagine how long a name change will take. Yeah..it could be years.

So anyways, its raining in Mumbai. Its not raining hard. Just a little bit. The weather's equivalent of light petting. But already there is panic. What is it about the rains that make my fellow drivers start driving like lunatics I ask. Most of them look like they are afraid going at more than 40km/h will cause a 10 car pile up. Furthermore, they change lanes devoid of the usual gusto and sort of meekly and slowly go from one lane to the next, causing me to impatiently honk and give them the finger (after I have gone about a mile away).

The funniest part - was driving with a close friend of mine the other day. As a mark of extravagance I had switched on the air conditioning (nothing but the best for my pals). Suddenly she puts the window down and demands that I do so as well. I was like, "why?" Her response "to save us from drowning". It took a minute for that statement to hit and then of course screams of laughter broke out (in my head - my face remained poker straight). I smile sweetly while explaining that in case the rains got too heavy, and the car was stuck in 15 feet of water, I would surely roll down the windows to ensure our escape.

People die everyday. In quite normal fashions. Its the fear of dying in a noteworthy fashion that seems to impell my fellow drivers and friend to be extra cautious. Give me noteworthy any day!

Underwater Pyramids

2006-06-02T13:06:00.000+05:30

Link

A STRUCTURE thought to be the world's oldest building, nearly twice the age of the great pyramids of Egypt, has been discovered. The rectangular stone ziggurat under the sea off the coast of Japan could be the first evidence of a previously unknown Stone Age civilisation, say archeologists.

The monument is 600ft wide and 90ft high and has been dated to at least 8000BC. The oldest pyramid in Egypt, the Step Pyramid at Saqqara, was constructed more than 5,000 years later.

My Take on the whole thing:
Its a fact that humans have been around for around for at least 195,000 years as a species (Link). Our own recorded history is at most around 8-10,000 years. Its quite ridiculous to think that humans were hunter-gatherers for 90% of their years of history and then suddenly reached the moon in the last 10%. Surely we are smarter than that. Its quite possible that at least 10-15 civilisations as or more advanced than ours has existed in the past. So why dont we find traces of these now?

The fact is, life is fragile, and cataclysmic global events happen more frequently than we think. These events reset civilisations to a zero point and the survivors have to start from scratch. If our civilisation were to fall tomorrow, nature would erase all traces of us within the next 200 years at most. The only things that would withstand the test of time would be massive structures like the pyramids. And these are precisely the kind of structures we keep unearthing.

Analysis of the pyramids in Egypt as well as the Sphinx based on weather erosion shows that these structures are also much older than what was previously thought. By some estimates these are dated back to 16,000 BC! According to conventional historians we were cavemen back then. So who built the darn things? The only logical explanation is that another, previous more advanced civilisation built them.

Kinda makes you think in a fresh light about things like Atlantis, The Adams Bridge, etc.

Bai Bai!

2006-06-01T16:43:00.000+05:30

Long time since I posted anything about the Bai. Mainly because I have'nt ever been awake when she's been in the house. But now, I have some fresh material to post largely because of stuff I do find she's done while I've been asleep.

Water Waste
For one thing, I think she's in cahoots with the water guy. Let me explain. Ever since I got jaundice last year, we switched to bottled water delivered from a shop downstairs. Now, that stuff aint cheap. So it used to surprise me no end to find that the big ass bottle of water gets over in just a few days. I discovered that she was flinging out all the water from all water bottles within reach and then refilling them. After I put a stop to that and told her to fill only empty bottles, she started filling all the 7up bottles with water (I mentioned this in a previous post). After a couple of nasty experiences with watered down 7up, we implored her to stop doing this. Strict instructions were given - goddamit bai, if the bottle is green, dont fill it. If the bottle hisses when you open it, dont fill it. If the bottle feels tight with gas, dont fill it. If the bottle has a label on it, dont fill it. JUST QUIT WATERING DOWN OUR 7UP!!!!

But sad to say, none of these implorings, stern warnings, or even passionate requests have had the slightest dent on her. With the result that we have to drink any bottle of 7up we open within the same day. When we have a party, its especially hard cos its like she's a kid loose in a candy shop. Soooo many green bottles to fill!!

"A Good Catch"
Apart from the water shenanigans, the Bai has been informing Nidhi that I am a "very good catch" and that she is lucky to be married to me.

I was thrilled the first time Nidhi told me, but after the 3rd time realised she was saying it because:
a) I gave her a raise
b) I am asleep whenever she is around.

Asleep=unable to comment on standard of work done.

As a mark of appreciation for her compliments, I have started sleeping in later and later. And Nidhi gets to try and terrify her. Don't think she manages tho..

Afternoon siesta

2006-05-26T16:13:00.000+05:30

Apparently when one needs to take an afternoon nap, any position is possible!

Question of the day

2006-05-23T17:22:00.000+05:30

Where did the phrase "good clean fun" come from?

Why would anyone want to have "good clean fun" when the obvious alternative is "bad, dirty fun"?

Hands up all those who want to have some "good clean fun."

Bah! Boriiiiiiing!

Womens needs mens

2006-05-09T14:14:00.000+05:30

Last night the wife asked me to open a bottle of prawn pickle. Grunted (mostly for show), opened it and handed it to her.

She asked "why is it that women can't open jars?"

Flashbacks - age 10 - my mom handing a bottle of jam for me to open
Age 10.5 - my aunt handing me a tin of bournvita to open.
Then the years rolled forward in a sort of blur with all the women I have ever known handing me some bottle, can, tin, jar, dabba etc. to open.

Always wondered why women needed men around the house, why they felt the need to marry us, to keep us close. Realised in a flash. Women need men because they open things. They can also be called from wherever they are sitting, to the site where the effort is required, thus saving valuable energy for the woman.

Think about it, women obviously don't need men for most things. They never have. We've just been a sort of gadget kept around the house, much like the food processor.

I mean, take my wife. When she needs to talk, she calls her best buddy Reshma. When she wants to go shopping, she calls up Disha. When she needs to get her tailoring done, she calls her mom. When she wants to party, she calls Devina. For cleaning, our lovely Bai. And so on and so fart. Apart from the occasional show of strength, where am I required?

Sure, women may need us around to fertilize the eggs occasionally, but that could be done by locking us up in some great big pen and then choosing - "Hmm..I think I'll take the blonde one with big biceps today. He may not look smart, but his offspring could open a helluva lot of bottles!"

So as I go to bed today, I get on my knees and pray:

"God, give men the strength to always open cans,
Let them do it with teeth and nail and han(d)s.
Keep the can and bottle opening devices at bay,
For this dear Lord, to you I pray.

Let men roam free and range where they will,
O'er land and water and discos and hills.
Take not away their liberty and smell,
To lock them up in sperm donor hell!

Lord, let men be always strong,
E'en though they be always wrong.
Part them not from women, I say,
This my fervent prayer, it is today!

Revelations Revealed Reverently

2006-05-05T17:24:00.000+05:30

Hellooo devoted followers of the cult of Feedo!

I havent blogged in really long but what to do..the last few weeks have been SUCH a whirlwind (hand on forehead like Scarlett O'hara). But the time has not been wasted. No indeeed. The time has been spent receiving the most fabulous revelations. I feel like one of those medieval prophets about to launch his very own religion. When you hear these revelations, you will be shocked, astounded, and rush to fall at my feet but restrain yourselves. I only take devotion in the form of large amounts of cash.

So..without further ado, here are the startling discoveries I have made about this beautiful universe we live in. This gorgeous creation of the divine being. This..this..Oh gawd I have run out of objectives.

Revelation 1.1.001

Genetic programming and you..I mean me:
This startling discovery came to me one day as I was in the kitchen trying to rustle up a meal. Nidhi was late from work, and I thought I would surprise her with a lovely meal when she came home. With excitement, I entered the kitchen, put on my apron that says "Im the chef", put on the chefs cap, put on the gloves, and clanged a couple of pans around. Then, I realised that I couldnt cook. Not that I was physically restrained from doing so...just that those areas of my brain that were supposed to provide me cooking information were mysteriously drawing a blank. Total data redundancy error in that part of the ol'noggin. The pressure cooker and microwave were looking at me like I was some sort of idiot.

Mind you, I have cooked in the past - from my first attempt at burnt daal, to chicken in wine sauce, to boiled eggs..etc etc. But somehow, each time I cook I can never remember how I did it the last time. Nidhi however can cook like a pro. She masterfully whips up dish after dish, often with one hand while reading a book or spanking me with the other.

This leads me to suspect that men have been genetically programmed
with a deficiency in cooking skills. Women have been endowed with genes that enables them to cook. Thus, balancing the equation in the battle of the sexes.

Revelation 2.2.002

Man as the hunter:
In another quirk of nature, Nidhi can never find anything that is lost whereas I can track it down in a matter of seconds. I patiently wait for her to finish turning the house upside down, cough a few times as the dust settles and then dive in and hand it to her. This shows how man is the hunter, and woman is the gatherer of the things that he just hunted. In most modern marriages, man hunts down the money, and then during the divorce the woman gathers half of it along with the house and car..thus lending further credence to this astonishing revelation.

Revelation 3.3.003

Men are not the horndogs..women are!:
The other day, we were at a nightclub with Nidhi and three of her girlfriends. Yes, lucky man me I had 4 lovely women hanging around me and I was most happy to hog all the attention I could get. But alas, this was not to be.

For who should walk in but a couple of male models. These guys were pretty decent lookin'. Nothing like me of course, but not too bad. Haha..more excitement. Immediately all the single women in the group fell silent and started checking out these guys.

Foolish man that I was, I let slip that I may know these guys. Suddenly, I was the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. They all wanted to be introduced. Quite vocal they were about it too!

When I ended up speaking briefly to these models without managing to sneak the girls into the picture, the girls got quite miffed. I got my ear chewed off for not introducing them.
I was just meaning well! After all, I didnt want these poor innocent girls to get hurt emotionally in the future. But apparently they were quite keen on it. Ultimately, I had to pay the price for being such a nice guy. God, I never knew women could be so..so..determined.

This leads me to the revelation that its not the men who are horny and desperate..as we have been told all our life..but it is in fact the women who are so! Women are just better at the sort of PR that convinces the world that its the other way around. For centuries man has laboured under the illusion that he is an oversexed neanderthal who only thinks with his second brain and cares for nothing but meaningless rompy pompy. How many times have we been told we have a one track mind. This completely changes the way things really are do you see? Men of the world rejoice...for today you are freeeeeeee!!!(VAT and duties extra).

So the cow thing is overdone...

2006-04-22T14:45:00.000+05:30

Madsnow says the whole cow thing is overdone. I agree. So what do you think about...

GOAT ON A SCOOTER!!

Got this fantastic photo while driving to work yesterday. Spotted this scooter with a goat slung across the back. Had to chase behind it madly while driving with one hand and clicking the snap with the other.

Funny thing is, the goat did not seem disturbed by this mode of transport at all.

Now thats what I call an Ad!

2006-04-19T16:38:00.000+05:30

This is one product I would'nt hesitate to recommend.

"After your exertions, take a pause, have a rest. Then look back yourself and reconsider your life"

Just goes to show you...opportunities for a profound reflection and change in your life could come anytime.

Courtesy of engrish

Viva La Revolution!

2006-04-13T12:57:00.000+05:30

Those of you who are aquainted with me know that I am something of a rebel, an anti-establishment type, an angry young man.

So in keeping with my character and the public's expectations, I have launched my latest campaign to thumb my nose at the capitalist pig establishment who want me to spend my hard earned money on their products. I encourage you to join me, my fellow revolutionaries in this noble cause:

Simply put, I have started pressing the mute button on my TV remote whenever the commercial breaks come on.

Diabolical huh? By one simple press of my finger, I am laying waste to millions, nay zillions of the establishment's hard earned money which they have lavished on making those facile and irritating Tv commercials.

I used to always get irritated by the commercials, by their incessant insistence that I buy their crappy products. By the overly theatrical antics employed by their stupid celebrities. By the limp acting skills displayed by the models. By everything in fact.

I used to run from the TV room to the bedroom, shut the door and cover my head with a pillow to try and escape their blandishments..especially those of Garnier Nutrisse which are so smoothly seductive that even now, I can hear Aishwarya Rai informing me that her hair colour has to be just puuuurrrrfect.

The strain was too much. Family life was suffering. Morals were being eroded by this constant assault on my character (and resistance to spending money).

Then, a radical discovery was made.

If I switched off the sound, the commercial lost 80% of its power over me. Suddenly, it looked just like the screensaver on my computer instead of an annoying drain on my resources. I didn't have to run to another room anymore. Just a simple 'click'..and peace ensued.

Family life has improved because I now talk to my wife during the commercial breaks. Those 3 minute conversations make all the difference to our relationship.

Except of course when a new commercial comes on..that I just HAVE to see.

Final score:
1 billion million points for Feedo, zero for the advertisers.

(Stay tuned for my next campaign: Shutting my eyes whenever I see an ad in a printed publication, or when I see a billboard while driving.)

Ripon Club, Last Bastion of Carnivores

2006-04-01T18:30:00.000+05:30

As of this month, I have been inducted as a member of the Ripon Club, of whose 135 year old
history precious little is known, except that it has very good food, cheaply priced, and
its whole purpose is the consumption of said very good food.

Its membership is restricted to only Parsees...previously only to Parsi gents. But later they caught up with the times and said Parsi women could be members too (with some complicated conditions thrown in).

The busiest day of the week is Wednesday, which is Dhansak day. Dhansak, for those of you who dont know is a Parsi delicacy of such richness and flavor that after eating it, you have to go lie down.

So the Ripon club provides you comfy armchairs with leg rests where you can go take a post-prandial nap after eating Dhansak. I saw quite a few members taking advantage of this neat facility when I went for lunch the other day. You can also read the newspapers or play billiards or watch TV. But I say, get right down to eating and napping!

Furthermore, the menu is entirely non-veg..as you can see from the attached photo.

Demanding any vegetarian food sends the staff and fellow members into a tizzy with much hooting of sirens, calls to action, and disapproving looks.

The other day, Dad and me were sitting down to a hearty lunch of Sali Ghosh (meat with potato slivers in a rich tomato based sauce). Suddenly Mum smsed to say she was joining us..so could we please order either fish or some veg food for her. Oh the confusion! Oh the anguish on the face of the serving staff. They were running helter skelter wondering what to do. I could see one chap hovering with his fingers above the alarm button. Finally, a compromise was reached when they fried up some fish and served it with chips. Thus was disaster averted.

On questioning the manager, he sheepishly admitted that veg food was on the menu, but since no-one EVER ordered it, it wasnt prominently displayed. After much searching, I found the veg food menu displayed on a forlorn stand near the entrance of the club.

The advantage of the Ripon club is that it's a 5 min walk from my office. The disadvantage is that I will become fat, and my wife will use my stomach as a drum.

Any of you near the Fort area are welcome to join me there for lunch. Any takers?

No Bull!

2006-03-31T19:33:00.000+05:30

This can only happen in India (I think).

While sitting at a traffic light, a large bull meandered into the middle of the road while his harem of cows waited demurely on the side. Since he was blocking one full lane of traffic, one enterprising car owner decided to try and honk him out of the way. What happened next was both hilarious and truly representative of how India lives both in the modern world, while retaining its old world charm.

The car was obviously brand new and had been recently garlanded with marigold flowers and leaves. A testimony to the high regard it was held in by its owner. So anyways, the car went honk honk and vroomed its engine enthusiastically while edging forward to persuade the bull to move its vast bulk off the road.

The bull resisted for a while, but then decided that perhaps the view might be better from another point more central in the road. It sort of shambled off to the side, then craned its head to look reproachfully at the car. Must have been thinking "nasty little sod" in its own bovine language.

Suddenly, it spotted the garland of marigold flowers and leaves hanging from the bonnet of the car. Oh! What a tasty bovine treat! It ambled over and started munching the garland off the front of the car. There was a moment of uneasy peace between the car and the its enemy. Then the signal turned green and naturally, everyone was trying to take off..including the hapless car owner. Remember, cows are held as sacred in India, so he couldnt shoo off the bull without offending some god or the other. But he was in a hurry so he stepped on the gas and tried to move.

Bull decided the garland was trying to get away and put all its effort into eating it as fast as possible. There ensued a tug of war between the car and the bull. Finally, with a snap the garland gave way and proceeded down the bull's gullet while the car pushed off somewhat sheepishly.

This is why I wouldnt trade my homeland for any other. Its strange brand of humour blindsides you as you are driving your way home, in the middle of the street, waiting for the light to turn green.

Weekly update..

2006-03-08T10:26:00.000+05:30

Went and saw Crash last night. Not because my family and me are the type to go out and watch a movie just because it wins an Oscar, but because...oh what the hell, we are that type only. Next on the list is Walk the Line followed by Brokeback Mountain, and Memoirs of a Geisha..

Crash was nice, although it wasnt the kind of hard hitting movie I expected it to be. Having lived in the US for a few years, I thought the movie maker was treating the whole subject of race relations with more tenderness and caution than it deserved. However, had it been a more honest portrayal it probably wouldnt have won the Oscars..nuff said.

The Bai got a pay raise of Rs.100. She was thrilled. She was ecstatic. She told Nidhi that she made the right choice in marrying me (Nidhi, silly, not the Bai). Also discovered that the Bai is a landlord of sorts - she has a room in a chawl which she rents out to 7 people.

After I found that out, I asked her for a loan of Rs. 200.

Haiyaah!!

2006-02-28T13:58:00.000+05:30

While creeping around in the morning with my camera I finally managed to capture the bai at work. At considerable risk to my life I may add..

Marriage on the cards with Ninja Bai

2006-02-17T11:54:00.000+05:30

Nidhi is away on one of her trips AGAIN.

Im thinking of marrying the bai as she is always there for me.

But seriously, just when the bai posts were gaining traction, the bai has stopped providing amusing incidents.

In fact, she has become....

THE NINJA BAI

Like a true ninja, she comes and goes without anyone knowing she was there. She does her job silently and with deadly efficiency (efficiency=doing no work).

Nowadays, I dont even remember letting her into the house. And on the few occasions when I have been semi awake, the one thing I noticed was how silent she was. The hissing has stopped. No more clanging of pans. Even sweeping is done chup chap. She leaves with nary a sound from the door.

Im beginning to get worried. Call me paranoid, but I remember when my baby sister was silent, it usually meant bad news. She was probably yanking down shelves of books or destroying my most prized toys.

Must..stay..awake..to..spy...on..bai...zzzzzz

Bai Part IV

2006-02-15T11:27:00.000+05:30

Due to the insatiable demand for Bai stories (ooh..am I a spin doctor or what?), I must give you this new tidbit on my bai..after which I will stop as she is probably reading this blog with her new spectacles and is not particularly pleased at my ramblings..

..anyways..

Her latest and greatest reply to anything you say nowadays is "Im not lying!!"

..for instance..

Nidhi: Bai, you missed a spot
Bai: Im not lying!!
(none of that preliminary "But I just cleaned it" stuff..see how machiavellian she is)

Me: Bai, theres all this glass on the floor, my feet are cut, have you swept the floor at all the last week while we were slumbering away?
Bai: Im not lying!!

And so on...

So finally Nidhi explained to her that we were not accusing her of lying to which she squinted owlishly at us, then made a pointed observation under her breath that we were standing in the hall, then grinned at us like a gremlin and melted our hearts. What does one do against weapons like that?

What to do if your geyser stops working

2006-02-15T11:20:00.000+05:30

Take an ordinary electric kettle (the kind you make tea with..plastic ones will do just fine)
Fill it up with water
Heat vigorously (actually, just press the red button..the kettle will do the rest)
Empty the contents into a bucket, taking care not to spill any on your toes on the way from the kitchen to the bathroom.
Repeat twice.
Enjoy your lovely warm water bath while reminiscing that your wife had to take a cold water bath.

Bai III

2006-01-25T13:45:00.000+05:30

Ha! I have just discovered what my bai is mumbling under her breath as she goes about her business. Surprisingly, its a sort of running commentary on what I happen to be doing at that time..

Hes getting out of bed
Now hes walking in the hallway
Hes brushing his teeth
Hes drinking some tea
Etc etc

All in a sort of detached, observant sort of way. I hope it doesnt go something like this..

Hes in the shower
Im behind him with a knife
Oooh that blood is red isnt it
Anyone want a cuppa tea?

Side effects of wife's absence

2006-01-20T16:10:00.001+05:30

As an addendum to the above post. Once she's gone, the following ill effects set in:

1. An incessant yearning for her to be back develops. I send mushy text and email messages, crankily demand she calls me up every half hour, and generally express my displeasure at her not giving me any attention.
2. After playing computer games for 24 hours straight, I can hardly see straight..everything looks blurry, and I develop in a tic in my right eye which makes my office staff think I am winking at them (Im not winking you fool, this is my grumpy face)!
3. I lose enough weight to tighten my belt by 2 notches and get runs from all the junk food.
4. I get a hacking cough from all the cigarettes and lack of sleep (due to said computer gaming frenzy).
5. Phone bills multiply exponentially and close friends have been known to snatch my phone away so I dont keep checking for messages.
6. Checking of email ensues to a paranoid degree - did she send me mail, did she send me mail. Followed by more text messages demanding a mail.
7. Unmanly viewing of vacation photos and any visual reminder of times together is done (good gawd, get yourself together man!)

Basically, chaos.

Honey, if you are reading this......get back soooooon!

Wifes away..

2006-01-20T15:42:00.000+05:30

Usually when my wife shows signs of departing to foreign lands on work (or usually, to get her hair done, shop a bit, have a "real" party, meet her "real" friends etc.)..anyways, when the wife shows signs of departing for out of Mumbai, I sort of rub my hands with glee. Because its when I get to do the stuff I REALLY want to do.

While fantasies of calling up ex-girlfriends and inviting them over might run through the minds of some of our less educated and more uncouth readers or else, the slightly less uncouth of you might think I want to invite people over for some sort of drug and drink crazed party - in my case the stuff I really want to do involves:

1. Lazing around in front of the TV while pulling out nose hairs (the second bit is what my wife objects to vociferously - the mean cow. She doesnt understand the importance of proper grooming in the life of an important businessman like me.)
2. Eating nothing but junk food like maggie or bag of popcorn for every meal washed down with Coke.
3. Playing numerous computer games (yes, they have already been stockpiled in case you wants to borrow).
4. Not tidying up the house, in fact, messing up the house and flinging my clothes all over the place.
5. Being completely antisocial and not calling anyone up, not meeting anyone, unless her trip has taken more than 4 days, by which time I will meet anyone who can provide me with a decent meal.)
6. Watching "educational movies" (the less said about this the better...)
7. Smoking as many cigarettes as I want...in the house!!

Yah..that about covers it..

Further Bai Stories

2006-01-19T13:46:00.000+05:30

The bai speaks only Marathi, and I speak very little. So our communications are conducted with vigorous waving of hands, the few marathi words I know, hindi, gujarati, english..whatever language happens to have the word I was looking for at that particular moment. Nidhi lambasts her in chaste hindi and the bai replies in chaste marathi..so its usually like..

Nidhi (in a rage): Bai! The ceiling fans have so much dust on them its dripping into my tea!
Bai: My, you look funny with your eyes popping out like that.

Her style of washing dishes is unique. Liberal use of soap cake on the dish, and forget to rinse it off later. She figures since soap makes things clean, why bother cleaning off the soap with water? So you pour a cup of tea, and peer into the cup to see a big blob of green detergent in there. Fling it out, grab another cup, repeat.

The funniest thing was that she didnt know she couldnt see. So she had these bad headaches for years and finally someone told her she needs spectacles. We coulda told her that a year back.

But to be fair, she is honest and doesnt steal, hasnt hit on me, comes to work unfailingly (and frequently if she knows you are home), asks for small stuff like medicines or a pair of spectacles (now that she discovered she needs them), and keeps us entertained with her antics. All in all, a good buy (get the pun? huh? huh?).

Have attached a small recent photo of her so you guys can identify her if she ever turns up at your door..

The Bai

2006-01-19T11:05:00.000+05:30

I dunno if I ever blogged about the other woman in my life before, but I figure its time I did so. Especially now that I have accumulated enough amusing instances of the last year I spent with her.

I am talking about my bai (or housemaid) of course. Those of you that dont have bais are sorely missing out on all the amusement, minor irritations, and daily social contact with an insane person, but I suppose you must have some other source for these things...like your siblings for instance..or maybe your boss. But I digress..

We hired a hunchback 60 year old (Nidhi claims she is only 30, but looks 60 because she hasnt had any cosmetic surgery done to give her that natural young look so necessary nowadays to exist in society) housemaid last year when we moved into the apartment and as time has progressed, she has become like a part of the family. She is the mother I never had - because my mother is fit and in full control of her mental faculties -whereas our bai is not.

She comes in the morning while both of us are sleeping and one of us (usually Nidhi) wakes up, stumbles to the door, lets her in and then collapses back into bed. We usually see her finishing her work when we wake up and then she scuttles off. The only reason we know she is there is because she leaves little 'souvenirs' of her visit.

For instance, she unfailingly fills water into any bottles of 7up..regardless of whether there was any 7up there in the first place. This usually results in Nidhi or me pouring out a glass of 7up and then going aaackkkk thuuu!!

Then of course the prediliction for taking important items from where we had carefully placed them, and then hiding them where only she can find them (only after being given a precise description of the item or shown a duplicate copy). Like when she took Nidhi's spectacles from the couch, and stuffed them into my laptop bag pocket. Or when she mistook my phone battery for a coaster, and shoved it deep into a drawer in the kitchen. Or putting all the pots and pans you really need right at the back of the cupboard where only she can reach (being old and wizened, she can get into the tightest spots..unlike our young and plump {I was going to say fit..but I said naaah..they wont believe it} bodies which get stuck at the entrance of the cavernous cupboard beneath the kitchen counter).

Then there is the philosophy that "if they cant see it, it doesnt need to be cleaned." Unfortunately, she is almost blind and we are not which results in 80% of the house not being cleaned. Lots of screaming happens on the weekend when we finally realise that the house has enough cobwebs to qualify as a set in a B-grade horror movie. Then we follow her around from room to room pointing out specific spots that need to be cleaned. She hisses loudly as she works to show she's really putting in an effort. Then all is forgiven.....until the next weekend!

She is a part time maid, but she seems to have formed an attachment to us. This means she will come around as many times as possible on a weekend to check if there are any dishes to be washed. We are part of her social circle now. So sunday afternoon naps are usually disturbed by loud hissing noises from the kitchen and much clanging of pans followed by more hissing and mumbling.

Anyways, work pressures have forced me to terminate this post...but Nidhi, feel free to add any more bai stories to the comments.

fo'shizzle my nizzle - The definition

2005-12-08T16:47:00.000+05:30

Since I have African American roots, I thought I would educate some of you on the complexities of our language, beginning with the origins and meanings of the mundane phase above (and below).

(I) Meaning:
1. affirmative; For sure, ma nigga

not necessarily in any racial context.
From a branch of urban (American) slang which adds 'izz' or varients of (ie izzle/izzo) to words to create a more rhyme like 'melody' to sentences.

kid 1: "It's late, I'm heading back to the hizzous... you stayin?"

kid 2: "fo' shizzle my nizzle"

"fo shizzle ma nizzle" is a bastardization of "fo' sheezy mah neezy" which is a bastardization of "for sure mah nigga" which is a bastdardization of "I concur with you whole heartedly my African american brother"

(II) David Letterman said it best: I don't know what the fizzuck I'm talking about.

(III) Originated in medival England in the 17th century, this phrase has changed in meaning completely, from the orignal shorthand denotation of "Alas! An advasary has come upon us! To the catupults!" to the modern definition of "Please grease up my penis."

Old: Bartholomew, the dastardly barbains are attacking! Foe Shizle mine nizle!

New: Bitch step up! Fo shizzle my nizzle!

(IV) For sure, my nigga. Should only be used by a black person, to a black person - unless you want your ass kizzled. Variations acceptable for use by whitey include:

fo' shizzle my sizzle = For sure, my sister.
fo' shizzle my bizzle = For sure, my brother.
Yes sir, Suge sir. Right away sir. = Please Suge, don't kill me.

Whitey 1: Hey man, are you going to the club tonight?
Whitey 2: Fo' shizzle, my bizzle. Right after I watch the game on my televizzle.
Whitey 1: Sorry Suge sir, don't kill him.

(V) As we All know fo' shizzle my nizzle used To be a common phrase said by Many cooks Meaning Oh Shit I burned my nose!

Cook 1 : that melted Cabbage smells good!

Cook 2 : Yea it does!
Cook 1 : (leans down to sniff and Grease hits his nose )
Cook 1 : FO SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE!!!

(VI) Several people on here claim this has been "shortened" to
"fo' sheazy my neazy"
In what way is that supposed to be shorter?

(VII) i believe that winnie the pooh was the first to use an expression like this. a young snoop doggy dogg heard this and immediately bastardized it to fit his situations.

"hephalumps and woozles" changed to "fo' shizzle my nizzle"

(VIII) A slightly aborted version of a declined McDonald's slogan:
Hamburglar: "Come robble my knobble."

(VIIII) A modernized and extended version of the infamous Shakespearean Hamlet line, "To be ... or not to be?"

"Fo' shizzle ... o' no' fo' shizzle? Dat be the quizzle, my south-central British nizzle.

Make your own conspiracy theory

2005-11-26T13:22:00.000+05:30

Confused about how the world works? Why not make sense of it all with a grand conspiracy theory! However, there are just too many of these floating around. Here, courtesy of Turn Left you can come up with a Wacko Right Wing Conspiracy Theory of your very own. Simply enter your selections, click the button at the bottom of the page and print it out. You'll be the hero of your next militia meeting. Have fun, and remember...They are Watching You! Link

Birthday Calculator

2005-11-26T12:56:00.000+05:30

You entered: 5/21/1973

Your date of conception was on or about 28 August 1972 which was a Monday.

You were born on a Monday
under the astrological sign Taurus.
Your Life path number is 1.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2441823.5.
The golden number for 1973 is 17.
The epact number for 1973 is 25.
The year 1973 was not a leap year.

There are 176 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 33 candles

Those 33 candles produce 33 BTUs,
or 8,316 calories of heat (that's only 8.3160 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.77 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1973 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1973 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1973 in the US there were approximately 2,158,802 marriages (10.6%) and 708,000 divorces (3.5%)
In 1973 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)

Your birthstone is Emerald
The Mystical properties of Emerald

Though not meant to replace traditional medical treatment, Emerald is used for physical and emotional healing.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Agate, Chrysoprase

Your birth tree is

Chestnut Tree, the Honesty
Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritable and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.

Link to the birthday calculator

I am, among all, most richly blessed

2005-11-26T11:08:00.000+05:30

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve; I was made weak, that I might learn to humbly obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things; I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy; I was give poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men; I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life; I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all, most richly blessed.

-Unknown Confederate Soldier's prayer

You better get a tear in your eye
Or I will beat the crap out of you.

-Unknown author of this blog

Its a dogs life..New friends at Palolem..

2005-11-21T18:34:00.000+05:30

And I thought I was the only pet in my wife's life..

These dogs had booked us for the day. They slept at our side all day long, and wouldnt let any other dog come near.

Just the photo

2005-11-19T11:13:00.000+05:30

Starfish hanging out on the beach. Was walking along Palolem when I happened to glance down and saw these starfish
heading towards each other. Made me realise that we arent the only ones using the beach to socialise..

No protest songs

2005-11-15T17:51:00.000+05:30

I was reading the other day in the newspaper..that we seem to have run out of protest songs. And this sort of surprised me. Apparently nowadays whenever people protest they sing songs that were written in the 1970s during the Vietnam movement.

Thats sad.

I blame the music companies for this. They have taken on the responsibility for recruiting and creating the talent we see on TV..cookie cutter singers..out of the same box musicians..and those guys aint gonna protest about nothing. They would only protest if their champagne came without bubbles.

It says a lot about our generation. We have grown up to become slaves, and even those of us who dont want to be slaves dont have updated songs to protest about the fact. The reason why there have been no new protest songs is because we are a generation which perhaps doesnt believe in protest..which cant protest properly..which protests in a very bland fashion..because we are living in a state of constant fear.

But I speak for myself..I have never protested about anything. And thats not because Im a coward. Its because just staying alive, maintaining my standard of living has gotten so hard, that all the fight is reserved for everyday living.

And the other sad part is, who can you protest to? Earlier, you had the administration..you could stick it to THE MAN. But now, THE MAN has gone underground. He has so many heads, you dont know which one to cut off. He finds way to threaten what you have, so that everyday is spent clinging onto it. You never want to lose the precious few things you managed to wrest from life.

The other night we were at a nightclub..and it was a peaceful party, listening to this DJ Pete Gooding..specially flown in from Ibiza or something. Just chillin. And then the cops marched in at 1am. They busted a party where nothing illegal was going on..they took down our names and phone numbers..and then let us go. Nobody shouted at them. No one said..this is bullshit. We all said bummer and took off home. Later in the week the same thing happened to another friend of mine..this time at 12.30am. They even arrested the DJ. So that means we cant even go out for a night on the town anymore.

And thats how they get you. In small doses..take the fight out of you. Persuade you that you arent entitled to enjoy life. So once you never raise your head for the smaller causes, where will you raise your head for the big ones?

And even then, even if you do raise your voice, it will be with some song your daddy sang when he had sideburns.

Who wants that?!

Quote of the day..

2005-10-27T11:40:00.000+05:30

Given that most of my one readers is female, I shouldnt post this sort of stuff..but anyone who knows me, knows that I revel in being controversial, writing about forbidden topics, stirring up trouble etc. Sigh..its tough being me..

anyways, without further ado..here it is!

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

The Dalai Lama loves me

2005-10-17T10:56:00.000+05:30

The Dalai Lama was in Mumbai for a medical check up. Somehow or the other, I got invited to a small group of people who were meeting him in the morning before he left.

We were all clustered around the lift outside the DL's room waiting for his holiness to come up from the lobby. I had brought my camera along and thought I would start snapping away like a papparazzi as soon as he appeared. After several false alarms the lift doors finally opened and the DL stepped out. His security detail tried to tell us to keep it brief..just do the quick hello and get outta there, but his holiness was having none of that. He gave us an impish smile and beckoned us to his room.

Off to a good start I thought. Then he started speaking in his broken english. But somehow, we could all understand every word he said. He spoke about the oneness of everything. How events in one part of the world affect the whole world. And in such circumstances, there can be no victory or defeat of one people by another. Then he spoke about Buddhism and it all was just good common sense and logic. No mumbo jumbo. And surprisingly, he exhorted everyone to keep practising whatever religion it was that they belonged to. I would have thought that as with any religious leader, he would have tried to convert us to Buddhism.

All too soon, the meeting was over. Then another impish smile as he saw the camera around my neck and asked "photo? No photo?" Everyone leapt up to take a group snap and get their stuff autographed and all that. Then we left.

But the strange thing was, I felt a lot lighter and a lot more at peace than when I walked in. Then of course, I went to work and the day began..end of peace!

Modern life makes me want to become a saint

2005-10-10T11:46:00.000+05:30

I dont know how to say this, but I am leaning more and more towards the ascetic life. The sort where you leave everything behind and go live in a forest. And why is that you may wonder dear reader..its because every single possession that I own just happens to find the wrong time to break down. And then you have to fix the darn thing. And spend money. And pull your hair out. So..without further ado, lets list the things that have conked off and which are driving me irresistably towards the monastic life devoid of worldly possessions:

1. The geyser switch in the bathroom which emits a pleasant yet alarming smoke everytime it is switched on.
2. The automatic window on my car which refuses to go down (not on me, silly..I mean downwards)
3. The steering mechanism on my wifes car which emits an sinister clacking noise everytime it is turned. I tried ignoring it, but my dad told me the wheel might fall off anytime soon and roll away to I suppose it must be fixed now.
4. The music system on my wifes car that has to be repeatedly whacked in order to produce some sound. Its like a lottery..sometimes you get the radio, and sometimes distorted and crackling music from the cd player starts. My wife has the sort of endless patience that allows her to prod the music system repeatedly and a childlike expression of wonder and expectation at what sound will ensue from the prodding. Meanwhile, I am pulling small hairs out from my chest in irritation.
5. The inkjet printer that I bought 6 months ago that now needs to have repairs equalling roughly the cost of the printer.
6. The DVD player that we bought 6 months ago that now skips happily between scenes of a dvd so you can use your rampant imagination to fill in the missing bits.
7. The computer in my office that was used to connect to the net and has now downloaded so many nasties on its own, that it reminds me of that evil computer on Space Odessey 2001 that killed off all the occupants of the spacecraft. The same might happen here, so I have locked myself into my cabin.

These are the major annoyances listed above. In minor annoyances I have listed:
1. Tubelight in the hall that had to be replaced with a dim bulb so all reading has to be done by squinting.
2. My cell phone which wipes out all my data as soon as the battery runs out...some genius in the art of torture musta invented that one.
3. The TATA Indicom phone in the living room that took 2 months to get, and now when we come home tells us we have 2300 missed calls.

Well, thats about all I can think of now but seriously dudes, this modern life is taking all the fun out of living. I yearn for the time when I can go off into the forest, (having set fire to all my worldly possessions), there to be looked after hand and foot by the charming maidens who reside there for this purpose.

25 Things That Prove Ur a Bombayite

2005-10-06T13:23:00.000+05:30

1. You think Chowpatty & Juhu beaches as "nature." 2. You say "town " and expect everyone to know that this means south of Churchgate. 3. You speak in a dialect of Hindi called 'Bambaiya Hindi', which only Bombayites can understand 4. Your door has more than three locks. 5. Rs 500 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. 6. Train timings (9.27, 10.49 etc) are really important events of life. 7. You spend more time each month travelling than you spend at home. 8. You call an 8' x 10' clustered room a Hall. 9. You're paying Rs 10,000 for a 1 room flat, the size of walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal." 10. You have the following sets of friends, school friends, college friends ,neighbourhood friends, office friends and yes, train friends, a species unique only in Bombay. 11. Cabbies and bus conductors think you are from Mars if you call the roads by their Indian name, they are more familiar with Warden Road, Peddar Road, Altamount Road..... 12. Stock market quotes are the only other thing besides cricket which you follow passionately. 13. The first thing that you read in the Times of India is the "Bombay Times" supplement. 14. You take fashion seriously. 15. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. 16. Hookers, beggars and the homeless are invisible. 17. You compare Bombay to New York's Manhattan instead of any other cities of India. 18. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 19. You insist on calling CST as VT, and Sahar and Santacruz airports instead of Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport 20. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. 21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. 22. Being truly alone makes you nervous. 23. You love wading through knee deep mucky water in the monsoons, and actually call it 'romantic'. 24. Only in Bombay, you would get Chinese Dosa and Jain Chicken. 25. You call traffic policemen as "Pandus" and expect out-of-towners to understand that.

I only smile cos my wife makes me..

2005-09-01T11:33:00.000+05:30

You are black. You are very withdrawn and you tend
to want to be alone. Some might call you
gothic, but you can't stand being labeled. You
have an anger toward the world and the people
in it, even if just a small anger. Things like
vampires and the paranormal are things that you
are probably interested in.

What Color Do You Represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

ELP Testimonials..

2005-07-22T16:48:00.000+05:30

You may have read the testimonial and glowing review of ELP in the comment below from a totally anonymous and unbiased source. But that isnt the only one. Millions of letters and emails have been pouring in ever since I published my revolutionary new ELP theory. They are testaments to the effectiveness and pace at which ELP is being adopted not just by early adopters and fast followers but by the common man himself!

Here are just a few:

"Word up man! Eva since I got my hoes to start usin ELP my bidness has grown tenfold! Nowadays when I ask dem biatches "whos your daddy?" the answer is always "Dr F. Variava!" Dem women is lookin finer than ever and de customers dont complain no more! I highly recomment this method to all ma fellow gangstas under da hood and da trunk. F to da G to da Z, Docta V is da P. I. M. P!"
- G Daddy, Noo Yawk

"Dr. Variava, my days as a desperate housewife are over! Since ELP came into my life, my husband has taken a renewed interest in me. Nowadays, instead of reading his newspaper across the table at dinner, he eagerly awaits the scraps of food leftover on my plate and wolfs them down with a smile in my direction. Finally some attention!"
- Candice Maven, Shrocks Amish Farm, OH

The ELP Theory

2005-07-21T17:17:00.000+05:30

What is the ELP Theory? Something that might win me the Nobel Prize for helping humanity. Its the single greatest breakthrough to emerge from the desk of Dr. Prof. F.S Variava M.D., C.D.S.G, S&M, L.L.B, BCom, M.B.A.

So anyways, without beating around the bush or heaping praise upon myself (ah the modesty!)..lets get down to the subject. Its a bit long winded, so brace yourselves. But at the end, you will feel rewarded and happy to have associated yourself with a future Nobel Prize winner..

Consider this: Since childhood, your parents, and indeed society, have drilled into your head that you HAVE to eat all the food on your plate. That Rite Aid organization made you feel so bad that there were millions of people starving in Ethiopia and therefore, not finishing the food on your plate meant that they would be even more deprived (this is akin to George B saying that 9/11 was the work of Saddam Hussein so they could invade Iraq). You were told that wasting food was a sin (hey, I thought gluttony was a sin. Apparently you were made to choose the lesser sin of gluttony).

Not much sense eh? But yet, you feel guilty, even forced to eat every bit of food on your plate. The end result? You just get fatter, more unhealthy, and have an uncomfortable feeling that later translates into farty noises and discomfort for your neighbors. In short, your childhood habits are the cause of much trouble in the world.

Now, medical research conducted on shows that eating ALL the food on your plate does not help the people in Ethiopia (dont ask why, just take it as a matter of faith). In fact, your body doesnt NEED all that food. It only needs a couple of handfuls of food to stay alive and healthy. What then happens to the rest of the food? Well, after extracting ALL the fat from it and storing it around your ass and middle, the food becomes (how do I put this mildly?)..it becomes potty.

Thus, the theory of ELP (Extra Lump of Potty). The extra food just becomes an extra lump for you to fling out the next morning or next hour or next night (stop splitting hairs goddamit!). And the fat and wobbles remain yours to keep as a souvenir of your greediness.

I know many of you enjoy your food, indeed, subconsciously you cannot throw any food away. But if you follow the ELP theory, you SHOULD waste it. Eat as much as your body needs, and just junk the rest. Dont feel guilty about it. Feel good about it. You will have saved a few minutes in the morning (evening, next hour, whatever). And you wont have a fat ass like you do now..or even that big tummy that so proudly wobbles when you take off your shirt at the pub in a fit of drunken enthusiasm.

Start to condition yourself to mentally dividing up each plate of food into the portion that you can eat confortably, and the portion that you will junk or have packed up for another meal. If there is a bit of food left after you are full, dont feel you have to scrape it up and eat it..just chuck it into the bin. If it helps, when chucking things into the bin imagine that someone inside it is packing up the food and sending it to third world countries..where it will be enthusiastically recieved and your name written on a plaque. Or just imagine how uncomfortable and fat you will feel after that extra bite (that somehow works better for me).

In fact, the ELP theory will help you to:
1. Get laid more often (cos you will be fitter yeah?).
2. Not annoy your neighbors with unsightly smells and noises.
3. Save precious time during that 'special activity' (you know when).
4. Make more room for more important things like alcohol and chocolate.
5. Save money by making one meal stretch to two.
6. Help the people in Ethiopia by leaving more food to be sent to them.
7. Enable you to take off your shirt without groans coming from others in your vicinity.
8. Save money on gym memberships and time on that device from hell the treadmill.
9. Save time playing sissy sports like rugby, football, squash, etc and give you more time to do macho things like reading books or watching TV and digging your nose.

Im sure many of you will think "this is so simple, why didnt I think of it first?" Or if you are more dishonest, you will think "I knew this stuff already! I must quickly write my own book!"

Well, bugger off the Nobel Prize is mine all mine! (picture me holding it and saying "My preciousssss").

I heard..

2005-07-15T10:47:00.000+05:30

..that when any asian looking people get onto buses in London, other passengers are getting off. Is this true? If so, its quite sad.

In other news, I was watching the vigil for the victims. It suddenly struck me that no matter how many terrorist attacks we have in India, we never show the slightest sorrow or reaction apart from newspaper reports condemning the attacks. Life goes on as quickly as possible. The perpetrators are caught, and in about 20 years their case finally reaches the courts and they go scot free or get convicted depending on whether the evidence was lost or not in that time.

Its not that we are jaded or anything. Ok..maybe a little bit. But I think its more to do with the Asian reserve and aversion to public displays of emotion. We have still much to learn from the west. If even one life is lost over there, you find demonstrations, vigils, public outcries etc. Not that we dont have public outcries out here, but it has more to do with the rising cost of living than anything else.

Hmmm..

Those whom the gods want to destroy..

2005-07-08T13:40:00.000+05:30

...they first make mad.

In the old days, before Alfred Noble invented high explosives, if you wanted to blow something up, you had to lug about 10 kegs of gunpowder to the site and then set a very long fuse and then hope the whole thing worked. These days, its as easy as buying a small block of semtex from your neighborhood arms dealer and setting a timer.

With the new ease of acquiring and using high explosives, the age where you could pick on someone smaller than you and get away with it is fast receding. After all, what can you do if every tom dick and Rahim can get back at you by planting bombs where and when you least expect them.

I wonder what the Indian freedom movement would have been like if we had resorted to random acts of violence? Would we have ever got freedom at all? Or would we have spent 50 years in bloodshed and counter-bloodshed? Would we be a sane country or one where, having got the taste of violence, resorted to revolutions and civil war at every opportunity to avenge old scores?

When you kill someone, a little bit of you dies. You go a little crazy. And then you cant stop killing people. Your whole life is spent in kill or be killed. Its one of the laws of the universe. Taking a step down that path means never turning back.

I feel sorry for our world. We have taken that step so many times...

Slapping ur own face to keep it red

2005-07-07T12:32:00.000+05:30

According to well placed sources in my own household and office, the whole attack on Ayodhya seems to have been engineered by the VHP themselves to provide some publicity and an excuse to call for a nationwide strike. Of course, Bombay was exempted from this because the last time they tried a stunt like this someone filed a suit and they were fined for economic loss to the city of Bombay. Way to go suit filing dudes! Plus the VHP doesnt have any supporters in Bombay so they couldnt do diddly squat out here...

Anyhoo..to come back to the point, the VHP obviously felt they were in dire need of some publicity, so they sent in 6 of their best men dressed up as terrorists and had them shot to pieces (apparently the attackers stopped en route to pray at a temple. Uh..which good LeT terrorist would do that?). Then claimed it was the work of some terrorist organisation and in indignant tones claimed that the Government was responsible for allowing 2 acres of barren land to have been desecrated. This is indeed like slapping your own face to keep it red. Its a common tactic..do a percieved harm to yourself in the hope of getting sympathy. A pathetic cry for help from a fanatical organization trying to exist in a country which wants to be secular (as can be seen from the last election when the saffron BJP and their allies were swept from power and a much surprised Congress were installed in power. Apparently when asked to choose between corrupt leaders and fanatical trash, the people chose the lesser of the two evils).

The real desecration happened many years back when those fanatical VHP guys themselves invaded Ayodhya and caused a mess.

We beg the VHP to not take the effort of slapping their own faces. We are all ready to do it for them. Slap slap slap x 10,0000.

Bumbling Terrorists

2005-07-06T14:34:00.000+05:30

Yesterday 6 terrorists tried to attack Ayodhya. No disrespect to the dead, but they were without doubt, the most lousy, hopeless, and bumbling bunch of fanatics it has been my lot to see the dead bodies of on TV (ok..not the bodies per se..but cartoon figures representing them).

They used a jeep to blow a hole in the fence...no one seems to have thought of climbing it (come on guys, even Salman Khan could have climbed it in his Rupa Banian). And then, they sort of blundered about looking for something to blow up. Which there wasnt because as we all know, all the destruction and demolition took place already some years back in a very professional fashion by Kar Sevaks led by Advani. So they pottered around in about 2 acres of empty land (with bits of rubble for variety) until someone put them out of their misery and shot them.

The bad thing about being a terrorist of course, is that you get killed, thus decreasing the gene pool which leads to ever stupider terrorists being left behind. You can see these guys were pretty dumb, because not one reputed terrorist organisation has stepped forward to take the credit for this fiasco.

I say, if you want to do a really good job of it you should hire either Advani or Narendra Modi. They will show ya a thing or two about killing people and demolishing Mosques without incurring any legal repercussions.

How could I forget?

2005-07-05T17:26:00.000+05:30

All the Fair & Lovely Ads.

All the friggin commercials that show women with dark skin somehow transformed into raving beauties by the application of these crappy creams. Oh... my.... gawd. How can any manufacturer even produce these products and then have the gall to advertise them on TV?

How can you live with making millions of dark skinned women feel bad about themselves. How can you even bear to lie to them and tell them they can miraculously change their skin colour? How can you give them the illusion that they can blame the problems in their lives on their skin colour. How how?

Someone should line up every employee in that company and slap them. Slap slap slap slap x 500.

Pet Peeves of Motorists

2005-07-05T16:51:00.000+05:30

Oh ok..since I am on a rant today I might as well rant about driving in Bombay...and my top 10 peeves while driving about the city.

1. Taxis
2. 2 wheelers
3. Taxis
4. 3 wheelers
5. Pedestrians
6. Taxis
7. BEST Buses
8. Tempos
9. Taxis
10. Other car drivers

Ads of Today

2005-07-05T12:36:00.000+05:30

Some truly awful ads have been appearing on the TV these days. WTF were those guys thinking? Did they never run these ads by their friends and ask them what they think before airing them? Argh! Watching them makes me want to catch the makers of the ads, tie them to a chair and make them watch endless reruns of Son of the Mask (suckiest movie of the century). So, without further ado, heres the run down of crappiest ads on TV:

1. Visa ad with Richard Gere: In the beginning toh you cant even understand what the fat mustached guy is saying because he mumbles so badly. After the 67th time I understood he was saying that setting birds free brings luck. And whats with the girl trying to set pigeons free for Richard Gere? This gora fixation is beyond me. Someone should slap her and inform her that shes too young to be lusting after a man old enough to be her grandfather. And no, little girl, you cant get a green card.

2. Yamaha motorcycle ad with John Abraham: Speak up I cant hear you! After the 85th time I finally got it that boohoo..little Johns brother wouldnt allow him to ride his bike so he decided to get one of his own. Well, little John..thats because your brother was wise enough to understand that a brainless nitwit like you shouldnt be set free on the roads. And then of course, they show the guy riding a really cool big imported Yamaha around a race track (safest place for little John)..cut to the last scene and hes endorsing some piddly little 100cc bike that is used by children in other parts of the world. Helloooo! Isnt there some disconnect here?

3. Smokin Joes Pizza Ads: the part that annoys me the most is the jingle. Argh! Smokin Joes Pizza Yum Yum Yum Yum. Which neighborhood karoake bar did they get that from? What imagination! What melody! What waste of my TV speakers!

4. Rupa Banian Ad featuring Salman Khan: Oh god..thank gawd they dont show this ad on TV anymore. I used to fall off my chair laughing everytime I saw it. Basically, Sallu rushes to the rescue of a puppy stranded at the top of a waterfall. Wrong on so many levels..First of all, Sallu dear is more used to killing things than rescuing them (pedestrians, blackbuck, Aishwarya Rai etc.) Anyways, our He-man climbs a rock cliff (about 4 feet high) in his prominently labeled Rupa banian, gets drenched so we can see his back muscles. Then, miraculously, he and the puppy are both stone dry and back on solid ground. Errr...did I mention Rupa sounds like a banian worn by cross dressers? But still, full marks to Sallu for not killing anyone or beating up the puppys owners or launching into a diatribe about Vivek Oberoi..

More on this later..Im feeling sick from thinking about these ads..

2005-05-09T16:27:00.000+05:30

Lottery (noun) - a tax on people who are bad at math.
Freudian Slip (noun) - when you mean to say "Please pass the salt", but it comes out as "You damn bitch, you've ruined my life".
Auto Biography (noun) - The life story of a car.
Argument (noun) - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Blonde Jokes (noun) - Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.
Grocery List (noun) - A piece of paper you spent half an hour writing, and then forgot to take with you to the store.
Transvestite (noun) - A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Accountant (noun) - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Amnesia (noun) - Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

The Battle of What-a-Loo

2005-04-27T16:59:00.000+05:30

The loo at my office is a major point of conflict amongst the staff. Everyone seems to want to use the loo at the same time, and anyone spending more than 5 mins inside has people vigourously knocking and shaking the door from the other side. It doesnt matter if you are a director of the firm, but if you are in the loo for a minute longer than necessary you will have a mob of people glaring and shouting at you.

I put it down as one of those things that happen when there are a lot of people competing for a scarce resource. It like being on a local train. Sometimes, you lift a foot out there and someone else slides his foot into the space you just vacated and then you have to do the rest of the journey standing on one foot.

I myself dont spend more than 3 minutes in the loo. You never know when my docile co-workers will suddenly decide to flush out all capitalist pigs and er..flush me down the toilet!

From the Desk of Partho Ganguly

2005-02-17T15:10:00.000+05:30

`A philosopher produces ideas, a poet poems, a clergyman sermons, a professor compendia,... A criminal produces crime... The criminal moreover produces the whole of the police and the criminal justice system, constables, judges, hangmen, juries, etc. The criminal breaks the monotony and everyday security of bourgeois life. In this way he keeps it from stagnation, and gives rise to that uneasy tension and agility without which even the spur of competition would get blunted' --- Karl Marx – Theories of Surplus Value, Part I

Im Married!

2005-01-29T11:55:00.000+05:30

Cant believe it! Cant imagine that someone would actually marry me! Well, I suppose I keep my flaws well hidden. But still, I am a lucky man! You can see the photos from the wedding here.

What to say..the wedding went of in spectacularly good manner. The bride was blushingly beautiful and I was slightly yellowed from jaundice but holding up my end in a manly fashion (no sleazy pun intended) and after it was all over I was like..so shouldnt it feel different somehow? But then you realize that the reason it doesnt feel different is because you are still in post nuptial shock. Kind of like the shock you get when you fall off a building but much pleasanter. It takes a while for all the sensations to finally sink in. And then later on you think to yourself..damn! This feels even better!

I mean, think of all the benefits. This marriage thing was created by a genius I tell you! You can have the woman of your dreams in your house 24/7 and you can hug and kiss her as much as you want and nobody can say zot. And you get lots of cool gifts and money. Its like the icing on the cake though.

And of course, you can finally start acting as loony as you want because now you know..shes legally bound to love you and all that..hehe

Its 2.30am..

2004-11-08T02:35:00.000+05:30

And I know I havent posted in a loong time..but to be fair, I didnt have much to say and all that. Bright thoughts have fled me. They have fled me to reside in my fiance, so you should blame her for my lack of blogging...hehe..

But anyways, since my personal life consists at the moment of studying for my law exams, I thought it would be an appropriate time to reflect on the true meaning of friendship and relationships in general.

Like you know..how when you cant meet your friends, you find the ones who actually care about you when they call randomly to complain that you arent meeting them. And of course, the ordinary friends just disappear. Its almost like you have a disease or something lol. So as of now, after counting and recounting, I think I have only 1 friend. The rest of you out there are mainly acquaintances. hah!

And about relationships. Its funny / scary / cool that when you are finally with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, suddenly you find life is too darn short. You wish there were more time to hug them / kiss them. And you suddenly dont care much if the rest of the world is composed of acquaintances just as long as THE perfect one is there. Its like you unconsciously traded all the heaps of iron for one small nugget of pure gold.

Ok..enough rambling..off to bed now.

wife

2004-09-29T11:18:00.000+05:30

wife
Originally uploaded by fvariava.

hehehe..

What are you thinking?

2004-09-25T13:44:00.000+05:30

“What are you thinking?” It’s the one question that strikes terror into the hearts of brave men and cowards alike. Rather than jump out the window or stuff yourself into the microwave, why not try out one of these handy, pre-fabricated replies?

The philosopher. “By ‘thinking,’ do you mean the semi-ordered pattern of electrochemical impulses cascading through my brain at this very instant? If so, you bring up an interesting aspect of the mind/body problem, viz., the instantiation of sentient thought as it pertains to the perceived historical schism between free will and determinism, which I’d be delighted to discuss with you at length rather than having a nice dinner and seeing Alien vs. Predator. Hey… where are you going?”

The diplomat. “It’s funny you should ask that. I was just thinking what a perfect day it is, and how lucky I am to be here with you, and how my entire life was just a pointless charade until the blessed day we met. By the way, your hair looks incredible.”

The PBS commentator. “I was just thinking what a terrible mistake it would be to repeal the NAFTA protocols pertaining to manufactured-goods tariffs. I know I’ve been a bit distant lately, but I’ve been turning the issue over and over in my mind, and I just can’t see how we can maintain our balance of trade and at the same time be attentive to the financial needs of our Latin American allies. Tell you what! You get a notepad, and I’ll get a notepad, and we can divide the pros and cons between us and try to sort this whole mess out. Hey, where are you going?”

The hard-of-hearing. “What am I drinking? Just the usual, peppermint schnapps mixed with Yoo-Hoo and a jigger of scotch. Hey, where are you going?”

The girlie-man. “Well, since you asked, I’ve been feeling very vulnerable lately. There’s all this pressure at work, and that situation with my boss hasn’t gotten any better, and this group of little kids looked at me all funny on the bus this morning. Nobody ever pays attention to my feelings. Aren’t I a human being, too? Aren’t there times when I feel like laughing or crying or just running through a flowery meadow flapping my arms and singing with the birds? I could really use a hug right now.”

The pretending-to-be-asleep. “zzz…frarp…snuzzz…”

The downer (only for the suicidal). (Heaves a long, dolorous sigh.) “Well, since you asked, I’m going to tell you. It seems like you’ve been putting on a little weight lately. Not that you’ve ever been really thin, but come on! Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? Your behind, I mean, not your front, your front is pretty OK. Now your friend Charlene, she’s someone who really knows how to stay in shape. You can bounce a quarter off her. Don’t look at me that way! You’re the one who asked the question. Hey, where did you get that gun?”

*Plagiarised from MSN*

A Woman's Prayer

2004-09-25T10:34:00.000+05:30

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who will call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
I pray this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead. Amen.

Guilt - From Lord of Light by Roger Zelazny

2004-09-15T13:44:00.000+05:30

A man is a thing of many divisions, not a pure, clear flame such as you once were. His intellect often wars with his emotions, his will with his desires . . . his ideals are at odds with his environment, and if he follows them, he knows keenly the loss of that which was old-- but if he does not follow them, he feels the pain of having forsaken a new and noble dream. Whatever he does represents both a gain and a loss, an arrival and a departure. Always he mourns that which is gone and fears some part of that which is new. Reason opposes tradition. Emotions oppose the restrictions his fellow men lay upon him. Always, from the friction of these
things, there arises the thing you called the curse of man and mocked--guilt!

I Quit!

2004-09-15T10:25:00.000+05:30

Yes! Yes! I have finally taken the plunge, and quit my job. Told the head of my department on Monday. Of course, everyone else knew about it for a few weeks before, but he only got to know on Monday. Poor chap..same day his secretary left him too. So now I have to serve a months notice and then I am FREE! Well, actually we all live in police controlled states so none of us are FREE free but I shall be free to join up the family business and then..who knows?

My HR manager, God bless her soul has sat me down and tried to make me cry. She was a psychotherapist in her last life I have come to the conclusion. Our conversation went something like this..

Me: I'm leaving!! Yay!
She: Well, how sad you must be feeling. But its ok..lots of people feel sad when they leave this company. Go ahead and cry if you want to (ok ok..she didnt say that last bit but she was thinking it)
Me: Yay! I mean, *sob!*
She: There there..dont worry, it will all be alright

Hilarious Personals Ad

2004-09-14T18:58:00.000+05:30

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, clasical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5

Hah! Now that reads properly!

Bjork

2004-09-07T12:16:00.000+05:30

Have come to the conclusion that one cannot listen to Bjork in the office. The woman has a frightening propensity to scream suddenly thus causing noises of shattering glass in every single neighboring cubicle.

Purpose in Life

2004-09-04T11:21:00.000+05:30

As you all probably know, the only thing that possibly gives me more entertainment than playing video games or plotting to take over the world..is my ongoing query about the meaning of life.

Many many new age books assure me that I am special, gifted, have to find my inner goddess (I think), and that each of us has a mission in life..some special purpose for which we were put on this earth. So far so good...

But what keeps me awake at night and screaming for my mum is the thought that my real purpose in life might be something really pathetic. Like..maybe theres this worm thats almost gonna die of starvation and then I get hit by a dumpster and then they bury me and the worm gets to survive and have children. Stuff like that...important in the universal scope of things Im sure..after all, worms are probably as important as humans...but somehow unfulfilling.

Hmm hmm..well, now that I have pondered that one I shall go back to playing a computer game. At least I can win there once I crush my puny Egyptian neighbors in Civilization III.

Doom

2004-09-02T13:48:00.000+05:30

Went and saw Dhoom yesterday with Nidhi, Shweta, Rashi, and Rashi's hot roommate. Most entertaining movie..and the funny thing is, it shouldnt have been. After all, there was Abhishek Bacchan who cant act worth a zot, then some vampish and entirely too made up lead women, and John Abraham whose sole claim to fame is that he is boofing Bipasha Basu. But Uday Chopra carried the whole film on his broad shoulders and of course, the bikes were really cool and the dialogue was snappy and the costumes were pretty decent and stuff. Ended up laughing a lot and of course, when the songs are on you can entertain yourself by picking your nose and flicking the boogers into the audience. The most hilarious thing in the movie was that everybody had these superbikes, but they would like drive them at 20 km/h even when running from the cops! But I guess that was cos they were pimpin to look good and didnt want to muss up their hair.

Go see it if its playing in a country near you..

The Below Comment

2004-09-02T13:29:00.000+05:30

Was not written under any pressure, duress, or coercion by said girlfriend. Written entirely of free will..

Nidhi in Bombay

2004-09-01T15:33:00.000+05:30

She is in Bombay nowwww!! How coooooool!! Now we hang out everyday! This is the coolest thing since vanilla icecream was invented!!

Navroze

2004-08-20T12:15:00.000+05:30

Today is Navroze! This is the Parsi New year..err..ok its kinda confusing. Parsis have two new years. One in March, and one now. Whatever..it was done with the intention of doing debauched things twice a year instead of the normal boring one time of other people.

So anyways, what do we Parsis do on these days? I will tell you:

1. Eat food
2. Eat more food
3. Give away food
4. Wear new clothes
5. Give presents
6. Do the mandatory visit to the fire temple and offer sandlewood and generally socialize

Sounds perfectly normal eh? But its not. The amount of food I ate last night at dinner has made me put on at least 5 kilos. We had:

1. Patra ni Machhi (fish in banana leaves)
2. Pulao Dar (meaty rice with daal)
3. Veg Pulao Dar (same as above without the meat)
4. Corn and mushroom baked dish
5. Sali ma ghosh (mutton gravy with potato wafers)
6. Some crappy veg dish
7. Another crappy veg dish
8. Merangue dessert
9. Chocolates

Tonight will be another of those nights. More food..more drink..more gifts. Aaaah..its good to be a Parsi!!!

So frickin untrue!!!

2004-08-19T10:38:00.000+05:30

What your mother never told you about men
By Randy B. Hecht

When talking about men, our moms are something like used-car salesmen. And with good reason: were they 100% honest about the flabby spare tire, the tendency to accelerate unexpectedly and brake unreliably, or the engine's habit of overheating at the slightest provocation, they might never get any grandchildren. So mom left out the occasional salient but crazy-making truth about life with men. No problem, really: men themselves clue us in soon enough. Who else, after all, would have the audacity to look at us when we're eight months pregnant and confide that they're not sure they can handle being in the delivery room? The truth is that men:

Can't multitask. Sure, you can do the laundry, bake a cake and make a few phone calls simultaneously. But giving a man instructions to do two or more things at the same time is the equivalent of wearing kryptonite lingerie on a date with Superman. The guy's just not going to be able to function.

Don't remember the way we do. This is half frustration and half parlor game. When he does something to piss you off, tell him, "This is just like what you did in the middle of dinner at your great-aunt Marie's 75th birthday party, and you promised me then that it would never happen again!" He'll have no idea what you're talking about-heck, he's doing well if he remembers that he has a great-aunt Marie — and the more details you dredge up, the more perplexed he'll become.

Have inverse priorities. In Manland, it is utterly unreasonable of you to make such a fuss over the water ring his beer bottle left on the mahogany table that's been in your family for five generations. A crisis, my friend, is what happens if you change the settings on the stereo's graphic equalizer.

Are a tad color-blind. One friend and I completely freaked out her husband with an extended conversation about the contrast in color between the couch, which was more of a burgundy, and the carpet, which was more of a cranberry. We knew he'd reached his breaking point when he cried out, "For pity's sake, they're both just red!"

Can't define the word irrational. This is a particularly good trick of theirs. The way the game works is that he whittles away at your patience with some little thing or other. It could be that he went out three times today and each time forgot that he promised to pick up the dry cleaning. It could be that his version of "helping you" to clean the house involves re-alphabetizing the CDs, which somehow got out of order. Eventually, you snap and let loose with a sarcastic or even unkind comment. That's his cue to adopt a patient if long-suffering tone in which to ask why you have suddenly grown so irrational. It's a trap that never fails to snare us, and the only escape is to look him in the eye and say, "This is just like that time three years ago when..."

480-pound woman dies after six years on couch

2004-08-13T13:40:00.000+05:30

LInk

Jaysuuusssss!!!

Readers are killing blogging

2004-08-06T12:50:00.000+05:30

Those feed readers are really killing blogging..I realized today. While earlier I used to visit each and every blog and leave copious comments, these days all I am doing is reading it off the aggregator service. Thus, its like reading a newspaper or something. Most disgusting. And thus, I have resolved to go to other peoples blogs more often.

Yourmaninindia.com

2004-08-03T11:14:00.000+05:30

Story about a new trend in India -- upscale expat children in America who need to 'outsource' parental care for folks back home. Momma in Mumbai needs someone to go pick up her meds in the morning. Who you gonna call? yourmaninindia.com.
So, you're an Indian living in the United States, making megabucks in Redwood City, Calif. A big shot. But your aging parents are back home in India, alone. What should you, as a good Indian son or daughter, do? Call or send an e-mail to yourmaninindia.com, who will do everything from paying the family bills to just sitting down and being your mom or dad's new best friend.
Link to news article, and Link to yourmaninindia.com. (Thanks, Boing Boing) "

The Five M's of Existence

2004-08-02T14:29:00.000+05:30

A wise man once said..ok ok..he said it like 5 mins ago..that our whole existence is always governed by one of the following M's:

1. Meeting
2. Mating
3. Masticating
4. Masturbating
5. Meditating

Although one might add that sleeping should also be included in the same..but that can be put under the meditating category!

So then humanity can be easily programmed. Every action can be put into one of the above categories. Thus, we arent very complex creatures no matter what we care to think. I always suspected that all of us were part of some ginormous computer program that choreographed our every move. Sort of like a Sims computer game.

And now I see that its true!! Aha!!

Err..If you have more M's to add please to go ahead..or any other letter you can make a believable list with!

Heh..

2004-08-02T11:52:00.000+05:30

Beckham
Originally uploaded by fvariava.

Stress..

2004-07-30T10:36:00.000+05:30

In todays world, the organization you work for plays a much larger role than you think. It unconsciously becomes the tribe you belong to, your social stomping ground, extended family etc. In fact, I once envisioned a world without countries..just different fortune 500 companies warring or collaborating with each other. You would have used your identity card to enter your company, and signed the guest register to enter another company. No more passports and visas...

But after working for a corporation for the last 2 years, I realize that maybe thats a pipe dream. The stress levels in my life are all but killing me, and when I look around for a moment at friends and colleagues I see the same is true for them. So then it would seem that corporations, far from being benign harnessers of peoples productivity, are actually burning us all out in an effort to squeeze the maximum from each resource.

Granted, a fat paycheck may compensate for the stress, aggravation and loss of social life outside work, but in the end, 20 years pass and you realize you achieved nothing. Like hamsters on the corporate ferris wheel. We run and run and they give us the pellets to make us run some more...

All this came to mind because I was watching a documentary on eminent industrialist JRD Tata yesterday. He spent most of his life driving fast cars, piloting aeroplanes, travelling, making charitable gestures, but he is still remembered as one of the brightest individuals our country has produced. So how is it that he could spend his life doing exactly what he wanted, and yet rise to such great heights? How come he never got burned out or stressed out but always had a look of such peace on his face?

The answer probably lies in the fact that he lived in a different age. When you could do these things. When there was some time to breathe. But I also think it has to do with a steadfast determination on his part to make time to do the things that excited him and not get swayed from this.

So beginning now, I am going to get out of work at 7pm, go meet my friends, read books and join a gym. Thats my new resolution in honour of JRD.

I have been reduced to plagiarism (yet another word you should know)

2004-07-29T16:20:00.000+05:30

MSN Encarta - 10 Words You Simply Must Know: "1. Defenestrate: 'throw somebody or something out of window: to throw something or somebody out of a window (formal or humorous)'

It is quite entertaining to defenestrate paper airplanes.

2. Garbology: 'study of waste materials: the study of a cultural group by an examination of what it discards'

Garbology might be a good career choice for dumpster divers. Recycling may make the job of future garbologists extremely difficult--they'll have less to study.

3. Digerati: 'computer experts: people who have or claim to have a sophisticated expertise in the area of computers, the Internet, and the World Wide Web'

Not too long ago, computer expertise was considered nerdy. These days, many people strive to be among the digerati.

4. Antipodes:
1. 'places at opposite sides of world: places at opposite sides of the world from each other, or the areas at the side of the world opposite from a given place'
2. 'opposites: two points, places, or things that are diametrically opposite each other'

One could say that Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli and Warren 'Potsie' Weber are antipodes.

5. Hallux: 'first digit on the foot: the big toe on the human foot, or the first digit on the hind foot of some mammals, birds, reptiles, and amphibians (technical)'

The ballerina had her hallux insured for $10 million!

6. Otiose:
1. 'not effective: with no useful result or practical purpose'
2. 'worthless: with little or no value'
3. 'lazy: unwilling or uninterested in working or being active (archaic)'

Will e-mail render traditional letter writing otiose? Let's hope "

7. Cullet: "glass to be recycled: broken or waste glass returned for recycling"

Don't forget to take the cullet out to the curbside, and be sure to put it next to the trash, not in it.

8. Pellucid:
1. "clear in meaning: easy to understand or clear in meaning (formal)"
2. "transparent: allowing all or most light to pass through (literary)"

The police officer's warning was pellucid: drivers must go the speed limit in the school zone.

9. Borborygmus: "stomach rumble: the rumbling sounds made by the movement of gases in the stomach and intestine (technical)"

If you lay your head on someone's stomach, you are likely to hear borborygmus.

10. Embrangle: "perplex somebody: to confuse, perplex, or entangle somebody or something (archaic)"

As Lord Needlebottom attempted to explain the rules of cricket, his American friends became more and more embrangled.

S&M M&A

2004-07-23T19:14:00.000+05:30

MSNBC - Bigger breasts offered as perk to U.S. soldiers

Heh..bigger boobs to distract the insurgents eh? I can just imagine the scenario...

Rebel jumps out of hiding place to shoot soldier. Soldier flashes boobs. Rebel is temporarily blinded and stunned and the soldier shoots him or better yet..takes him to prison for some S&M and bondage play (hey..thats everyman's fantasy no? Bondage with a big breasted woman in army uniform).

God dammit! This is all part of a bigger plan to combine the two biggest businesses in the world - the porn business and the military!!

YET AGAIN reporter Fido has come up with a brilliant and exclusive expose. Some sample titles..."Sgt Bubbs tough love" or "Prison Sex Kittens featuring Gen. Boozaloom".

Remember... you heard it first out here!

Generation Gap

2004-07-19T12:32:00.000+05:30

Sometimes the generation gap hits you really hard. Like the other day Nidhi was complaining about her cable being out and not being able to watch anything on TV. So I told her..well, theres always Doordarshan which is the state run channel thats free to air and doesnt go over cable and you can get it if you have an antenna on your tv. So she was trying to get a handle on these astounding facts:

1. There are strange people out there who broadcast WITHOUT a satellite
2. You can get these channels without paying ANYTHING.
3. There is this thingy called an ANTENNA which sits on top of your TV (or in my family's case it used to sit on the top of our building and my dad would go up there and fiddle with it and yell "can you see just one image now? How about now? Now? Oh bugger it!!")

Aah..the good old days when we only had Doordarshan. They were like this:

You only got one channel, and they put stuff that would only make farmers happy, and their newsreaders never cracked a smile and were seldom younger than 50 years of age. And the image was all double and grainy. And they grudgingly played songs and you could never watch an entire tennis match cos they would just cut the match whenever it was time for news. And they had some good programs all family oriented where the heroine was a housewife who saved her neighborhood. Or there was this other program where this ugly dude came down from the US looking for a wife - except he dressed just like us and spoke like us and even had a bad haircut. Not very convincing. But hey, my sister watched this stuff so much she had spectacles thicker than the bottom of a drinking water glass by the time she was 6 years old.

My personality type

2004-07-13T11:58:00.000+05:30

You are a WECF--Wacky Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a candle burning at both ends. You work until you drop, and you play until you can stand to work again. You have so much enthusiasm that you can find it hard to control on your own, and you appreciate the guidance that channels your energy and lets you be your best.

In a relationship, you require lots of attention and support. You often over-contribute and end up feeling depleted and cheated. You may benefit from more time alone than you grant yourself.

Your driving force is the emotional support of others--especially affection. You can run on empty for miles if you have positive energy behind you. Without it--as it occasionally must run dry--you are depressive, listless, and difficult to motivate.

You need a lot of affection. Get it any way you can, but never at the cost of your self-respect or well-being.

Take the test here

New Age!

2004-07-13T10:21:00.000+05:30

Ive started to notice a disturbing trend in this world. First of all, there isnt a day when someone doesnt send me a forward informing me how I should be nice to my friends, tell them I love them, or that life is a lesson and you have to learn from this life or that we are all meant to fulfill our destinies or we have to liberate ourselves and show the glory of God.

WELL U KNOW WHAT?
FUCK THAT SHIT!

Its like when you went to your mom when you were small and said Mommy I scraped my knee and she gave u a bandaid and it felt better a bit. But what if u went to her and said Mom, I cut off my frigging leg and she said here beta, take a bandaid?

All these new age crappy aphorisms are like small bandaids on the big wounds of life. For fucks sakes, I dont need a bandaid woman! I need a doctor!

I guess Im just ranting in a homicidal manner because the other day, I was discussing some problem in life with my mom, and u know what she said? She said...beta, everything in life is a lesson and u have to use these opportunities to learn. I almost strangled her...Instead, I calmly informed her that everyone has heard that one. Then I opened the car door and rolled out into the middle of traffic. Believe me. That was more useful and enjoyable.

Best friends

2004-07-07T12:46:00.000+05:30

Last night was v. interesting. Took a family friend visiting from Bangalore (female, 25) to dinner with my best buddies. Within moments, it was like a pack of sharks descending on the poor woman. They literally tore her to bits with all sorts of

Questions (if ur Feedos' family friend, whats his Mom's name? Ok. Whats his Dad's name. Ok. Whats his dogs name?)

Comments (Be sure to lock ur room door at night. If theres any trouble, escape through the balcony)

And lewd innuendos (so, you come from Bang galore eh? Did Feedo REALLY tie u up when u were children? Wink wink).

She was, to phrase US military terminology, "shocked and awed". She fled after dinner for a soothing coffee with some other friends.

I dont know if Im alone in this or what. Do your best friends tend to be the maddest, craziest people who absolutely have no regard for your feelings and who enjoy putting you in embarrassing situations while at the same time you know you can count on them for absolutely anything?

Simplified Happiness

2004-07-01T18:52:00.000+05:30

So the last entry was too long. Have simplified it now. The secret of happiness is:

1. Your parents 50%
2. Your crappy life 10%
3. What you tell yourself (you naughty little person) 40%

So there.

Happiness

2004-07-01T10:39:00.000+05:30

According to Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein Research:

"The largest contributor to happiness is the genetically determined set point (or more accurately set range). That is to say, people are pre-disposed to a certain level of happiness, which is determined by characteristics inherited from their parents! As Sheldon et al note “ The set point likely reflects immutable interpersonal, temperamental and affective personality traits, such as extraversion, arousability and negative affectivity, that are rooted in neurobiology, ...are highly heritable... and change little over the lifespan.”"

So the amount of happiness in our lives was already determined from the day we were born?!! Jeez. Well, thats nice...At least I have my parents to blame eh? That makes me feel a little happier...

And furthermore...

"The second component of happiness is circumstances. Life circumstances include demographic factors, age, gender, ethnicity and geographic factors. It also includes personal history and life status. Frequently people focus upon the last element of this feature.

However, study after study from psychology shows that money doesn’t equal happiness.

There is an additional problem with changing life circumstances as a path to increasing happiness. It goes by the frightening name of hedonic adaptation. Simply put, hedonic adaptation means we are very good at quickly assimilating our current position, and
then judging it as normal, hence only changes from our “normal” level get noticed."

Rankings and ratings of happiness factors

Item
Family Life Mean rank 1.7 Mean points 37
Friends Mean rank 2.4 Mean points 22
Satisfying job Mean rank 2.5 Mean points 26
High income Mean rank 3.6 Mean points 15
Source: Loewenstein

Hmmm..faschinating Mish Moneypenny. So does this mean that even earning more money or increasing status in society will leave us as miserable as before? You betcha. But why do we do it then? Somebody out there has the answer..give it to meeee!!

And now we come to the conclusion of the study:

"All of which means that any hope for increasing happiness on a long term basis must lie with the third and final component of happiness – intentional activity. Sheldon et al define intentional activity as “discrete actions or practices that people can choose to do”. By process of elimination, intentional activity must account for 40% of people’s happiness.

Intentional activity can be (somewhat artificially) broken down into three areas:
Behavioural activities – such as exercising regularly, having sex, being kind to others, and spending time socialising.
Cognitive activities – such as trying to see the best, pausing to count how lucky one actually is.
Volitional activities – striving for personal goals, devoting effort to meaningful causes. "

So ones lifes happiness is thus: 50% genetic, 10% circumstance, and 40% intentional!

Please note that having sex and exercising are amongst the most powerful ways to increase happiness.

Well...what are we waiting for?!!

Troy

2004-06-29T12:46:00.000+05:30

Oh Helen!
Oh Paris!

Lets run away to Troy and start a war...

Attaaack!
Oh no! Somebody died
Lets have a funeral

Attaaack!
Oh no! Somebody died
Lets have a funeral

Heres a nice horse, lets take it inside the city

Attaaack!
Oh no! Lots of people died
Lets have a funeral

The end.

Thats the whole movie Troy. I saw it last night just so you know.

For those with strong stomachs

2004-06-22T16:17:00.000+05:30

http://www.theonionavclub.com/savagelove/index.php?issue=4024

Dont read this before lunch, if you suffer from heart disease, are under the age of 18, are pregnant, or if your name is Nidhi.

Indian Spidey!

2004-06-22T14:09:00.000+05:30

– SPIDER-MAN EXTENDS FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD TO STREETS OF BOMBAY!

Bangalore, India (June 14, 2004) — Marvel Comics & Gotham Entertainment Group – Indian publishing licensee of Marvel Comics and the leading publisher of international comic magazines in South Asia – announces the launch of Spider-Man India.

Spider-Man India interweaves the local customs, culture and mystery of modern India, with an eye to making Spider-Man’s mythology more relevant to this particular audience. Readers of this series will not see the familiar Peter Parker of Queens under the classic Spider-Man mask, but rather a new hero – a young, Indian boy named Pavitr Prabhakar. As Spider-Man, Pavitr leaps around rickshaws and scooters in Indian streets, while swinging from monuments such as the Gateway of India and the Taj Mahal.

Mumbai’s (Bombay’s) first web-swinging superhero will be joined by a reinterpretation of the classic Spider-Man villain, the Green Goblin -- reinvented as a Rakshasa, an Indian mythological demon.

“We feel this is one of the most exciting and unique projects in comic history,” said Gotham Entertainment Group CEO Sharad Devarajan. “Unlike traditional translations of American comics, Spider-Man India will become the first-ever ‘transcreation,’ where we reinvent the origin of a Western property like Spider-Man so that he is an Indian boy in Mumbai and dealing with local problems and challenges.”

img1
Originally uploaded by fvariava.

Confusion

2004-06-18T17:02:00.000+05:30

After reading about Madonna's change of name, I immediately dashed off to find out what Kabbalah was all about. As I read through the Kabbalah website, I noticed that they said theirs was the best way to understand the universe. I was a bit mystified since when I went for a Vipassana course, they said it was the best way, and when I did a Transcendental meditation course, they said it was the best way, and when I met a born again Christian, he said his was the best way..and on and on and on. So whose is the best way? How does one judge these things, and more importantly, how does each faith / philosophy judge that they are the best. Is there some sort of metric system followed or something? How does common joe like me figure out which way is the perfect way?

Somebody please shed some light on this..

The Power of Nothing

2004-06-17T18:34:00.000+05:30

Was just reflecting on my corporate stint and have come to the conclusion that what it all adds up to is this: NOTHING! I havent saved any babies, havent made the world a better place, havent earned gazillions of dollars, havent ruthlesslessly climbed to the top, havent razed rival companies to the ground etc. etc. All these years have been merely a (sometimes) pleasant way to spend 8-10 hours of the day and get some money to eat, drink (read booze) and buy fuel for my car. Along with the occasional shirt to cover my back and pants to cover my bottom. And chaddis also. You get the picture.

So, will I now throw it all away and join some not for profit organization that saves babies while simultaneously razing its rivals to the ground and paying me a gazillion dollars? Nope. Why you may ask? Simply because I have spent far too many years honing the useful skill of keeping myself occupied while doing nothing meaningful. And I cant chuck that all away can I? Imagine entering the job market and being asked at an interview - so you want to throw away 4 years of doing absolutely nothing worthwhile? Why? Why? Look at me..I have spent 15 years doing nothing and see how happy I am? - Get the drift?

I mean, look at some of my peers. The force is much more strong in them. They can destroy continents by merely NOT lifting their fingers. And they get paid a gazillion dollars and get to travel the world. (the organizational record is held by 2 managers who travelled to Malaysia for a 2 hour meeting with no agenda, and with a company who didnt know they were coming).

Hmm..I shall now go back to practising my art. Who knows..maybe a trip to Bangalore will be my ill gotten reward!

Gmail

2004-06-16T11:12:00.000+05:30

As we all probably know and agree, Gmail is the coolest thing since sliced bread. I know you will say that my girlfriend is the coolest thing since sliced bread, but she comes in a different category. I mean, you cant compare her with an email service riggghht?

Anyways, the exciting thing is that Gmail is allowing its users to invite their friends to get an account! Oh yeah..did you know I had a Gmail account? Is that not cool? Are you not envious? And now I can invite people to join the ranks of high society! Oh! I feel slightly drunk on this awesome power which has been bestowed on me. I must go off now and gloat some more.

"Google is still testing Gmail, but demand for membership is high. Many people are clamoring for popular user names already claimed on rival services or are desperate to flee current spam-ridden accounts. Consequently, a cottage industry has surfaced, with sites like Gmail Swap letting people exchange invitations for goods or services. People are offering "friendship" or "Brazilian chocolate" in exchange for a Gmail invitation, according to two posts on the site." - Cnet News

You think I can get some Brazilian Chocolate?

Myers Briggs Test Results

2004-06-12T10:28:00.000+05:30

Took the online Myers Briggs test and have discovered I am ESFP. Thanks to Sarah for the link.

ESFP - "Entertainer". Radiates attractive warmth and optimism. Smooth, witty, charming, clever. Fun to be with. Very generous. 8.5% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 9w8
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 9w1

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Toothing

2004-06-11T19:01:00.000+05:30

CNN.com - 'Toothing'�craze goes underground - Apr 18, 2004

Any of you guys own a bluetooth enabled phone? This thing called toothing has apparently taken off in a big way abroad and in India as well. However, in India an invitation to "tooth" means just meeting for coffee or a chat (whereas in other countries it usually means a sleazy encounter).

That being said, this is the coolest application of bluetooth that I have seen. I always thought it was a piece of crap foisted on a reluctant world by phone companies but it turns out the darn thing may finally provide some entertainment after all.

Werk werk

2004-06-11T11:40:00.000+05:30

I remember I had this video game where everytime you clicked on a character he would say "werk werk"..anyways, I digress.

I am now back from my vacation as you all can probably tell and none too pleased about it. After spending 3 weeks on the road eating yummy Italian food and getting my fill of culture..and then spending a few precious days with my girlfriend, I am finally back at work.

Surprisingly, not that much work has piled up which brings me to the realization of my own personal dispensability. I always wanted a job where I was indispensable, (chiefly because every management guru always propounds "be indispensable at work so they cant fire you. But dont be so indispensable they cant promote you).

On the plus side, being dispensable means that you can take 3 week vacations and nobody really notices. Heh heh. How nice of me to put such a positive spin on my own sorry plight. This way I have managed to keep my own insecurities and fears well hidden while appearing cheery and optimistic at the same time. I think a career as a management guru is in the cards for me.

I am sure when the ax comes I will be one of those to cheerily comment "well its not so bad..at least they didnt strip me naked, cover me in tar and feathers and parade me down Main Street while at the same time mercilessly whipping my buttocks"

Was at dinner with a family friend last night whose mother is quite a tradional Indian woman..but thats for a later post...

Florence

2004-05-30T16:23:00.000+05:30

Have been in Florence for the last few days and absolutely love it. Went to the Uffizi gallery which contains the most comprehensive collection of art I have seen so far. Saw Michaelangelos David statue. The thing is magnificent. I gotta say..the proportions REALLY are perfect. Somewhat like my own body..ahem..

Went for a drive around the countryside. The original plan was to rent a car and go to the designer outlet malls around Florence, but then we got lost and ended up halfway near Pisa, so drove there instead. Saw the leaning tower and the cathedrals nearby. The leaning tower leans so much you think it will fall over onto your head. But surprisingly, they have no fear of lawsuits and allow tourists to clamber all over it.

Then went to this little town called San Gimigniano which is on top of a hill. Its unchanged since medieval times..and after walking around the town square you do feel like you are in a different age.

Have now returned to Florence and catching the train to Venice. Ciao!!

Roma!

2004-05-25T03:53:00.000+05:30

Well well well. Here I am in Rome after a mad drive across England to catch the flight including one part where our car navigation computer went crazy and refused to divulge our location or provide directions. But made it to the airport Ok after breaking many speed records and then were told flight was delayed.

So sat around in the airport for a good 1 hour..and then flew off..

Today went for a chakkar around Rome. Saw the catacombs, some plazas, ate Gelato, threw money in a fountain, ate genuine Italian pizza, acted like Marlon Brando, etc. Tomorrow will see the Vatican, some churches, act like Al Pacino etc.

Have come to the conclusion Italians are similar to Indians. Very passionate about everything, like to argue, eat good food, cultural, and drive like crazy people. People even told me there was a possibility that it might be possible for me to maybe pass off as Italian. But thats because I kept saying Grazie, Grazie, Prego, Prego in this ridiculous accent.